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A Big Burning Secret

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BigBurningSecretDear Hypocrite,

I live in South Slope and I have a big burning secret.  It’s not really my own secret; it’s the secret of two friends of mine whom I’ve gotten close with over the years because our kids go to the same school.  These two friends are married to other people who are also my friends.  Can you guess where this is going?

Last week I was on the Upper East Side to get my second of three goddamn root canals and there they were, let’s call them Bob and Marcy, coming out of a hotel holding hands.  I tried to pretend I didn’t see them, I tried to put my head down and head toward the street, but it was too late.  “What a coincidence!”  “All three of us, so far from home!” “This is crazy!”  We all took turns telling the story of what we were doing at the corner of Eighty-seventh and Lex.  It was pathetic how terrible their lies were. Bob had an uncle in town staying at the hotel and Marcy was scouting locations for her cousin’s wedding.  We stood there in silence for a moment looking at our feet. I know they expected me to go along with their game pretending that everything was normal.  I couldn’t.  I took a deep breath, exhaled loudly, and left them on the sidewalk.  My dentist appointment was unusually difficult.  We had to take breaks every few minutes because my jaw kept cramping.  I know it was because I was so disgusted by what had just happened.

So here I am in the middle of a Woody Allen movie.  I see Bob and Marcy and their families frequently at school events, parties, and soccer, and I don’t even try to hide my distain. I can’t help but shake my head or roll my eyes when they feebly try to engage me in chitchat. I find myself excessively complimenting their spouses in some lame effort to boost their confidence, to nudge them into thinking they deserve better than Bob or Marcy.  I know it’s futile, but I’m so furious I’m in this position I can’t stop this behavior.

I’ve chosen not to say a thing to anyone about the affair.  But because my social life revolves around a group of which Bob and Marcy are part, it’s been pretty much ruined.  Whenever they’re near I’m on edge and I can’t stop fantasizing about calling them out as lying, cheating jerks.  I don’t know how long I can take this.  I understand that it’s none of my business and I should leave it alone, but then I think if my husband were cheating I’d sure as hell want to know.  Advice?

Signed,
Social Life Ruined by Lying Cheating Jerks

Dear Social Life,

Root canals are terrible.  I spent a good part of December in Midtown looking up at the bright, white light while my dentist worked hard to save what little I had left of my bottom, right molar.  Three root canals?  That’s tough.  I’m assuming you’re straddling middle age.  Those are the days when your teeth and many of your friends’ marriages fall apart.  Right now, I know four couples getting divorced.  Two of them involved some sneaking around.  The other two might have.  (We’ll see.  It takes a while for all the facts to come out, sometimes years.)  You feel for good friends who are in pain.  You get angry and protective.  A few years ago, my best friend’s husband walked out on her and her two kids.  She was confused and heartbroken.  I was livid.
There is one very troubling detail that I keep coming back to in your letter.  I love giving people the benefit of the doubt—maybe it was all a crazy coincidence, maybe they weren’t lying and there’s perfectly logical explanation on why they were leaving a hotel together … but they were HOLDING HANDS.  Hand-holding is reserved for those who really care about each other.  Hand-holding does not say “let’s just get this out of our systems and never speak of it again.”  Hand-holding is an intimate gesture, more intimate than doin’ it.  You don’t hold hands with a sex worker—unless he or she needs help crossing the street.

No doubt your very presence on the corner of Eighty-seventh and Lex has pushed the hand-holding couple to consider their actions.  I’m not sure how long ago “the coincidence” occurred, but I’d expect Bob and Marcy have had many conversations about ending it or coming clean since.  Actually, they could be waiting for you to make a move.  One of them might soon approach to ask what you intend to do with your information.  You have a lot of power in this situation, of which they are very aware.  It’s power that won’t get you much of anything; but to them, you possess the ability to unravel their worlds.

Are you doing the right thing by clamming up?  There’s no easy answer.  I hear what you’re saying about wanting to know if it was your husband messing around, but here’s a statistic.  I Googled  “percentage of couples who stay together after affairs” and got 50, 65, and 98 percent from the websites of three different well-respected couples’ therapists.  Bullshit numbers aside, the majority of committed couples do survive infidelities. I suspect when the cheating partner is the one to reveal the affair (and not the neighbor, well-meaning friend, or anonymous letter on the windshield) the chances of reconciliation are even greater.  This is a good thing.  Anyone who’s been through a divorce will tell you that breaking up a family is messy, painful business for everyone involved.

Give Bob and Marcy time to do the right thing.  Affairs show great lapses in judgment, but Bob and Marcy aren’t evil.  Most likely they are weak or lonely or hurt and have justified their behavior in some extraordinarily creative way.  Or … they could be in love.  Either way, give them an opportunity to clean up after themselves.  Eventually, all affairs make big messes.  They explode or implode.  And Bob and Marcy will have to pick up the pieces one by one.  Should you ever tell?   I think you should consider it if next time you’re at a party someone mentions casually to the group that Bob and Marcy are sleeping together.   Bob and Marcy’s spouses do not need to suffer the indignity of gossip when they haven’t done anything wrong.  But maybe you’re not the right person to expose the affair.  Maybe you talk to a closer friend of the unhappy couples and argue that it’s time for the truth to come out.   When it does, it will be very rocky for a while.  But hopefully before long, people will get back on track and once again find hope and meaning in their days.

Social Life, before I go, I don’t think you should take their affair too personally.  I know that this has affected your quality of life but ultimately, it is not about you.  Let go of your disappointment in the hand holders and try to lower your expectations of the people around you.  Then you won’t find yourself so out of sorts when they fall short.  If you can do this, you’ll find yourself with more friends and perhaps fewer root canals (not based on any scientific studies whatsoever, just a hunch).
That’s it.  See you next time.

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