Dear Hypocrite,
Hi, it’s Kristy and Gary. Thanks so much for coming to our wedding this past summer. Don’t worry that you haven’t gotten us a gift yet. Like we said in the email, we don’t need anything. We do want something from you, though. We thought you might give us some good old-fashioned marriage advice. Although we’ve been together for a long time before we got married we thought it would be fitting to mark this new chapter with a few thoughts on what makes a good legal partnership from the hypocrite herself. How about it? You’ve been married for at least a decade. How do you keep the love alive?
Love, K & G
Kristy and Gary,
Let me start off by saying it was a privilege to attend your wedding. The food was incredible. Good Fork! Korean fusion is my all-time favorite food group. I was hoping the cake was kimchi-flavored but then when it wasn’t I was thankful. That frosting! Was it made of angel fat? It was the best frosting I’ve ever had. And Kristy, you were a vision. Who knew you could wear a wedding dress inside out? The hat, the gloves…you looked like yourself but magical, which is exactly how I believe a bride should look. The music? The lead singer was the miracle love child of Billie Holiday and Edith Piaf. I didn’t dance more because I couldn’t shift from witnessing the sheer brilliance of the sounds coming from the stage. It was hard to turn the awe off and get my groove on, you know?
And then you sang together. Good Lord above! Watching two people who love each other make music together is a mystical experience. Remember when Bruce and Julianne broke up and we saw him sing “Cover Me” with Patti for the first time? Despite the shocking news from Mike Tyson and Robin Givens the week before, seeing Bruce and Patti proved that love really was alive and well in the late ‘80s.
Promise me baby you won’t let them find us
Hold me in your arms, let’s let our love blind us
Cover me, shut the door and cover me.
You guys sang John Prine’s “In Spite of Ourselves” —your version of “Cover Me”.
In spite of ourselves
We’ll end up a’sittin’ on a rainbow
Against all odds
Honey, we’re the big door prize
We’re gonna spite our noses
Right off of our faces
There won’t be nothin’ but big old hearts
Dancin’ in our eyes.
It was awesome to behold.
The only low point of the evening was that I wore stupid shoes and drove from the suburbs so I couldn’t drink a drop. I’m a terrible driver even when sober so I didn’t dare sample those alcoholic ice pops the woman was handing out by the entrance. I do think my daughter had one by accident—or someone got her high in the bathroom. She keeps asking me when you’re getting married again.
On to your request. I can’t imagine any advice will be news to you. You guys could just as easily school me on how to keep a relationship strong. Yet, I will honor your request in this very public forum on the occasion of your nuptials (weirdest word ever). Know that the hard part is over. You did it. You managed to find each other. As you probably are aware, the big secret to a successful marriage is marrying the right person. You need to marry someone that you can be stuck at the airport with for thirty-nine hours. Everything else is negotiable. For example: I love to camp. My husband doesn’t like being outside. He loves gadgets. I long for my old flip phone. We don’t have much in common but there is no one I’d rather get trapped in an elevator with.
Okay. The official advice giving section starts now!
Go to bed mad. That old saying about never going to bed mad is hooey. Haven’t you noticed that shit becomes crazy at night? When the sun goes down our thinking distorts which is the reason nightmares only happen at night. If you have a bad dream during that day, you wake up and you’re like, “Whoa, I can’t believe I actually dreamt about vampires.” At night you wake up from a dream and you are 1000% certain that there is a brood of vampires downstairs in your kitchen sharpening the knives!! Go to bed mad and then see how you feel in the morning. If whatever it was still bothers you, make a time to talk to your beloved.
The time for selfishness is officially over. You can’t fuel a marriage on ‘me first.’ It just won’t work. Don’t eat the last piece of pie. Take out the trash when your partner is tired. Give those backrubs. Treat your partner like you want to be treated. If you’re competitive, see if you can be the best person in the relationship.
Take a breath when you get excited. Reacting quickly and from the gut is overrated in our age. It was great when there was a tiger is loose in the village but it’s not needed when your partner comes home with the fifth parking ticket in a month. Take care in how you communicate. Wait if you’re irate. (That is a ridiculous sentence but I’m leaving it.) While we’re on the subject of communication, remember that we all communicate in our own way. Some people tell a story to get across the nuances of the situation. Others lead with the main point. When it’s important information, it’s best to communicate to your partner in the way he can most easily process. Learn how your mate relates and honor that, don’t try to change him or her.
Space. Give your partner space. Let her follow her dreams, big or small. Last week I had a dream I rode a horse. When I woke up the next morning I got in the car with my daughter and we went on a trail ride. My husband did not come. It wasn’t his dream and he had foot surgery the day before. Boy, that sure was a literal example of let-your-partner-follow-her-dream…but you get what I’m saying though, right?
Apologize when you know you’ve been a jerk even if you don’t think your partner needs to hear it. Get in the habit of saying sorry. And make sure you give him a pure apology—no clause attached. It’s a simple “I was an idiot.” You can try to explain what led you to your bad behavior but make sure you’re not hunting for a return apology from your partner. It’s a one-way operation.
Have sex. I know, I bet that you’re like WHAT!?! Why in the world would she say that!?! I say it because when you get on in marriage years you get tired and sex seems like one more thing on the to-do list when all you want to do is watch your Netflix show or read your book club book. Make time for it. You might not be in the mood but show up. Take a shower and get in bed or in the car or book a room at a seedy motel. Just do it. That’s all I’m going to say. I don’t want to make you (or my kids, if they’re reading this) uncomfortable. That would be the worst wedding present ever.
Kristy and Gary, on behalf of married people everywhere, welcome to the club! You are a stellar couple and we’re so happy that you’ve found one another. Our club has no secret handshake, no T-shirt, no official flag or dance. The only thing we married people have in common (besides our tax filing status) is that we all stood in front of a handful of people or more and said we pick THIS person to share our lives with. I was truly honored that I got to see that moment in your lives. May you continue to make beautiful music as you grow old together. And if you have an anniversary party or if you renew your vows, my daughter would really like to be there.
That’s all for now. See you next time.
