Park Slope Reader

admin

My Sick Hat

By Filed Under: Hypocrite's Almanac

Hello Park Slopers and others.

How are you? Have you begun the annual winter slide into mild or severe (depending on your DNA) depression? I find that if I don’t resort to too much glucose/alcohol therapy, I’m able to flat line it until the 78th Precinct Baseball Parade down Seventh Avenue in early April. The random piece, what can disrupt all of my well-laid emotional health plans, is getting a cold or flu. When I get sick, the world is a cruel place where horrible things happen to good people or well-intentioned hypocrites like me. Thankfully, I have my time-tested get-well regimen. And lucky for you, for the first time ever, I’m going to share it! Follow my directions for well-getting and you’ll be getting well in one short week!

We’re not that far into winter and I’ve already been clobbered by something I’ll call “Baby Flu.” The first symptom was achy feet. Then, there was a very covert neural procedure done in the darkest of hours, during which my spinal cord was replaced with a far inferior model. Day two was met with a sensation that my intestinal parasites, which were formerly under control, had ventured into other areas to set up pop-up shops in my nose and throat to hawk their pots of brownish grayish goo. It was time to activate my get-well emergency response system which, again, I will now reveal for the very first time!

First and foremost, I find Sick Hat. I, like many, many people all over the world, wear a hat when I’m sick. Mine is a pink fleece hat that I sport on no other occasion (unless it’s the only hat I can find and the dog desperately needs to go out). Sick Hat is a signal to all family members and close friends that I am very ill and cannot be counted on to meet their needs.

Once Sick Hat is on, I pretty much do whatever I want. I watch TV in the daytime, something I never do. I like to catch up on my Masterpiece Mysteries. I’m partial to Wallander (the Kenneth Branagh one) and Sherlock (the Benedict Cumberbatch one). If none of those are new, I can do an Inspector Lewis but I’ll rarely screen a Marple or a Poirot. They’re not dark enough. I need to feel haunted at the end of a mystery, and the cases that come across the desk of Wallander, a homicide detective living in a remote seaside village in Sweden, creep me out every time. Once I’ve seen a couple of those, I go online and check which stocks I should have bought five years ago. Then I eat. If I’m really sick—super achy and incapable of even thinking about food—I’ll drink peppermint tea with honey and lemon. If I still have my appetite, I’ll eat something spicy—kimchi and rice, eggs with jalapenos, turkey sriracha rollups. Hot foods kill viruses, I’m certain. I have no facts on which to base this, but I’m absolutely positive I’m right.

After lunch, I’m off to the sauna at the Y. More heat. Here are my very specific sauna instructions: Right before you go in, drink an ocean of water. Do not shower. Enter sauna. When you can’t stand it anymore, leave and find a bench to rest on to acclimate. Then take a shower, lukewarm, not cold. Repeat. Repeat again. After the third shower, rub oil (I use jojoba) all over your body and put on lots of layers. Go home and get back in bed. Don’t forget to put Sick Hat back on. Fall asleep.

When you wake up, make yourself a snack. I usually make some broth. If you have a chicken carcass in your freezer, put it in pot with some halved lemons, cover with water, bring to a boil then simmer for two hours. If you don’t have a chicken carcass in your freezer—what the Hell’s wrong with you? Vegetarian or not, never throw out a good chicken carcass! Without it, you’ll have to make bouillon with cubes, powders or concentrate. That’s the price you pay for throwing away a perfectly good chicken carcass! Drink your real or imitation broth while listening to the Beach Boys channel on Pandora. Gently sway back and forth being careful not to dislodge Sick Hat. People need to know they cannot bother you for anything.

I finish the whole sick day off with a hot toddy: a steaming cup of chamomile tea, a squeeze of lemon, a tablespoon of honey, and a glug of whisky. The bigger the glug, the fewer toddies you’ll have to drink to get to sleep, which is important because you don’t want to have to get up to pee a lot when you’re sick. And you really don’t want to wet the bed, which will happen if you combine the toddies with Nyquil. I’m not a chemist, but I imagine that the structure for Nyquil is very similar to the structure for Rohypnol. On the dire occasion that I do take Nyquil, I like to write a journal entry right after I take the recommended dose. This is my most recent Nyquil-influenced entry:

Still sick. The kids had afterschool but I had to go in early because I’m helping solicit donations for the auction. The fundraising chair gave me a list of businesses on Fifth and around Atlantic and a really detailed map of the neighborhood so I shoved her to the ground, pulled her teeth and horns out, and swallowed them. Got the kids, went home, tried to make dinner. The peas spilled all over the floor up to our knees. Tony, our tax accountant, came to help us clean up and taught the kids how to ride the donkey. Tony’s face was a made of clay but the donkey was real. I have to make disposable lunches for the kids tomorrow. Both of them have field trips.

I will not take Nyquil unless I don’t have to do anything the next day until noon.

After the toddy or toddies I get in bed, again with lots of layers on because it’s important to sweat a lot when you sleep. Everyone knows that—except the silly science people.

So I repeat this routine for six or seven days or until Sick Hat begins to itch uncontrollably and I can’t think of anything else but taking Sick Hat off. That’s when I know I’m better. I wash Sick Hat and store it in a plastic bag labeled “WILD RICE.” What it says on the bag does not matter. That would be crazy! But maybe you should try a using a bag labeled “WILD RICE” just in case. Why mess with success? I’m very inflexible in terms of my recovery routine, but I am considering adding a flu therapy I recently heard on the radio: You slice the top and bottom off an onion and warm it (do not boil!) in two cups of milk until the onion is soft. Then add a tablespoon of honey and drink. It’s exactly what I look for in a remedy. It’s bizarre, scientifically unfounded, and kind of gross. I’ll let you know how it goes. Stay well.

See you next time.

The Next Step

By Filed Under: Local Literature

Dear Eli, as I write this letter to you Mommy is putting you to bed. She will read to you before you go to sleep. When I came home tonight you were both finishing watching Mrs. Doubtfire on the television. Wow—bed time past 9 p.m.—how did you get that one past her?

When it’s time for bed you make the nightly request, “Daddy, will you carry me to the bathroom?” You will say, “I’m starting to roll”. You’ll roll into my arms (if I make it in time to the couch) or you will wait frozen as I walk over to catch you and carry you to the bathroom. Sometimes I tell you you’re big enough to walk yourself. Most of the time I carry you while you act like a stiff board, or I make a seat for you out of my arms. You brush your teeth, pee, I carry you from the bathroom and throw you on the bed, and Mommy or I read to you before you go to sleep. Tonight, Mommy reads.

I wonder as we read, do you listen? Sometimes I know you’re listening, other times it’s as if you’re looking off into space, thinking. Does the sound of our voice create a vehicle or sacred space for you? A way for you to travel from the reality of this world to the universe of your dreams?

Mommy comes out. “He’s very tired.” Now that’s a description of a ritual and a routine. We have many in our home. Sacred and nothing special at the same time. Reference points for how we exist and move through space together, dance sometimes, play, and get along. Within the next half-hour if you don’t go to sleep you will call out, “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy” literally, either her name or mine, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy” — always three times in a kind of song—summoning us to your bedside. You will ask that we cover you, or lay down with you, or provide you with essential information regarding a question you have about anything under the sun that is occurring to you, as you navigate the transition from awake to sleep to dream. It’s as if you are getting ready to go somewhere and you want to make sure things are in place when you return in the morning.

Mommy just gave me some chicken soup. Since I came home late and didn’t have dinner, I’m eating now. Where was I? I was at The Shambhala Center. What was I doing there? I was taking the next step. What is the next step? I will tell you.

The next step is reclaiming the work I was doing before you were born and that I have continued doing after your birth, but not in the same way. I’m taking something down off the shelf that I put on the shelf so that I could create the space in my life for you, for Mommy, for rituals and routines that I felt needed to be in place, so that I could work the way I want to work. That work is to write. I can hear you asking, “You mean like on the subway?”

Yes, it’s true; sometimes Daddy will go out to ride the subway and write. The subway has all the things I need to write well. It has movement, it has no guarantee about who is going to get on or off, it has grit, some danger, noise that actually creates an inner silence within; it has stops and starts in ways that encourage me to take a breath, to pause, to connect thinking with action. There are all kinds of stories unraveling on the subway. There’s a lot of action. Beginnings, middles and endings all happening at the same time, all interdependent and isolated like subway riders can be. The subway does not care whether what I write is good or bad. It also has a kind of deadline. There’s a point when it reaches the end of the line. I have to get up, walk across the platform, and get on the train headed in the other direction. The subway is neither for me nor against me.

But the next step that Daddy took tonight about writing has been a long time in the planning. It‘s less about riding the subway and more about getting off the subway. It’s more about what Daddy said earlier about ritual and routine. It’s about reference points. It’s about writing so that other people can have and read what Daddy has written so they can turn them into their own reference points.

Eli, those reference points are for you too. Maybe only for you. Daddy may not have any reference points for what it means inside your heart to be the happy, safe, loved, and wanted little boy that you are, but Daddy has some other reference points. It’s time to give them away now. Before I say more about that, there’s something I need to tell you. For a long time, I have often said that I have no reference points for how to be your father. That’s because the kind of father I had was nothing like the kind of father you have. But that’s not true. Our time together has shown me that I have very powerful reference points for being your daddy. Some of the most powerful reference points a man can have. They are born from a heart of genuine sadness, loss, and pain.

Daddy was a wolf child. Daddy was Oblivion’s child. There are others like Daddy. We know a lot about dark places. We found our way out of them. We love to play in the light of day. We are happy to be free of our childhoods—those of us that got out—but we can’t change our childhoods. My brothers and sisters and I who come from the same kind of childhood —we howl when we feel lost. That’s how we hear and know one another, that’s the ritual and routine we use to remind ourselves where we all are. We love and care for one another. Not the same thing as “Daddy will you carry me to bed,” but that was how I went to bed at night when I was a child. Howling inside and outside. I still howl, but not for the same reason. I howl to stay in touch with my other reference points. Don’t worry, son, Daddy’s not trying to tell you he’s a werewolf.

You don’t howl at night. You are an ordinary, imperfect child. No doubt you will do some extraordinary things, but at the heart of it, you are the simple, pristine, victorious, noble, pure, nothing special, ordinary, imperfect child beyond Daddy’s wildest dreams. Daddy knows nothing about the life you are living right now on the inside of yourself. On the other hand, Daddy is working with Mommy to create the world you are living all around on the outside. Isn’t that funny? Why is it that you would never trust a pilot who has never flown an airplane to take you up in the air, but that you can trust absolutely that, while I know nothing about the world inside you, I totally know how to create and sustain that world for you?

Granted, shit happens (and don’t tell Mommie I cursed), but one thing you can count on as long as karma or God or whatever allows, I will be showing up and delivering the goods for you in terms of presence, acceptance, and tolerance, and you will have no better or more learned friend than I if the shit ever really hits the fan in your life. I have lots of reference points for that.

Last night, the lady who is teaching us about how she writes, Susan, said that while it’s true that our actions impact our environment, so too does our environment impact on our actions. You live in an environment that is being created, sustained, and maintained by Mommy and I. I’m not talking about what happens when you are outside of the world, space, container we are creating for you. That’s part of the deal we both had to make with life on life’s terms when we fell in love and realized—not too long after that—that you were coming. “Eli’s coming! Hide your hearts, girls!” are words to a song that lots of friends were singing before they even saw you.

What I want to say, Eli, is that Daddy is taking the next step, which was part of the plan, my own plan. A plan I held deeply in my heart and had to trust and believe in and wait for so that I could be sure when I took the writing off the shelf—not just the words but the ritual and routine of writing that I also need to take off the shelf now—that fundamental things would be in place. Daddy had to create all of these on his own with a lot of help from Mommy and lots of help from friends. A world. A family. A purpose. A sense of belonging. Knowing that he is loved and can love. Daddy needed to put all of that into place, along with a nice place to live, a good paycheck, and the settling of a few scores (I’m not talking about soccer and will explain more about that to you in another letter), so that he could do exactly what Susan was talking about last night.

But that’s why it’s very cool for you that I’m your daddy. I’m not bragging or anything, I’m just saying that at fifty years of age, Daddy has successfully and fully extricated himself from the oblivion of his childhood. That is a world you will never know about via your own personal experience. But it is a world that I will need to tell you about some day. It’s not like you aren’t starting to pick up on some of the clues. You notice that Daddy is comfortable in places where others might feel very nervous and frightened. You notice that Daddy is awkward and frightened in other places where there is no need for anyone to feel frightened or awkward. Daddy always inhabits a new world with every step he takes.

A couple more things to say, then this letter will end. But it’s going to be added to the collection of letters to you that I hope will be of some help to you in later years.

First thing: Mommy showed me YOUR writing the other night. She brought it to me at the perfect moment: you know, when I’m sort of tired and it’s late at night, but I don’t want to go to sleep. Wow. Are you a writer? Of course you are. So was your grandmother. So is your Daddy. What a story. I’m glad that your teacher is challenging you to write on a higher level, too. Mommy did not like the teacher’s criticism because she wants to know what third grader could possibly understand the things you are being asked to do. Since she’s a teacher and Daddy is a teacher, we are very careful to see what your teachers are saying. I agree with Mommy—maybe your teacher is a bit unrealistic. But on the other hand, something inside of me is saying, “Yeah, Eli. Kick Ass!!”

Last thing: Daddy has no special place where he writes. There never has been a special place. Daddy has always written in the gaps. Creating a special place—like the place you go before dreamland, or the safe place called our home, our family, where you are being allowed to emerge in accordance with your being, which I have the paradoxical experience of having no identification with on the one hand, and which I am totally and equally on board for realizing for you, for Mommy, and for myself on the other—creating that place for the writer and the writing that Daddy is now gong to take off the shelf is going to work only if we understand that it’s really nothing special.

Maybe nothing will change at all. You will continue to see Daddy writing in his notebooks in the park or on the computer in the morning when you leave for school. You will continue to try to talk to Daddy sometimes, and I will say yes and continue typing. You will see that Daddy will go for a long subway ride with his notebook. But it’s going to be different. It won’t be writing for the shelf. It will be writing for something else. It will be writing for you. For Mommy. It won’t be writing for writing’s sake. It will be writing for the sake of voice, for realization, for the sake of any wisdom or compassion I can squeeze out of my experience from now until when I am dead. It will be writing that will be about death that comes from living, writing about life that comes from death. I will need to be as fearless and outrageous as you are on the soccer field, when you sing and dance for us, when you jump in bed to kiss us and tell us how happy you are. It will have to emerge in accordance with its being. As you do.

Brooklyn Cookbooks

By Filed Under: The Reader On Food

The cookbook is to food artisans as the signature fragrance is to pop stars; a rite of passage, a sign that you’ve made it. This being Brooklyn and all, there is no end to the options of ways to recreate what you love most about our markets, food trucks, shops, and restaurants in the comfort of your own (very small) kitchen. In this issue, we’ve highlighted just a few new releases for cookbooks brought to you from our borough’s best to help you with your menu planning.

Give into your cravings with Liz Gutman and Jen King, who bring you Liddabit Sweets—an innovative candy brand that started as a side project a mere two years after first meeting at the beginning of pastry school and “accidentally” bloomed into their full-time career shortly afterwards. Keep your fingers on the pulse with brothers Max and Eli Sussman who cook for Roberta’s and Mile End Delicatessen, respectively, and have been named on both Forbes (for Max) and Zagat’s (for both) lists of top thirty under thirty food professionals. Or, check in again with Matt Lewis and Renato Poliafito, now veterans of the cookbook racket with their third publication inspired by the beloved Baked.

The Liddabit Sweets Candy Cookbook

I consider myself a good baker and cook. But for some reason, making candy has always been my downfall. Every single attempt—from the time I tried to make Fluff by microwaving marshmallows when I was seven, to when my caramel sauce never made the transition from a mass of melted sugar a few months ago—has resulted in complete disaster. As a candy lover, this has always upset me greatly. I would have given up on the idea entirely if it had not been for The Liddabit Sweets Candy Cookbook, by Liz Gutman and Jen King. See, this isn’t just a collection of scrumptious recipes (we’ll get to those in a minute), it’s the best textbook you’ve ever had.

The first chapter is a fifty-five page crash course on Candy 101 and it’s packed with both practical and entertaining information. There is a surprising amount of science behind your sweets, and Gutman and King lay it out for you in a way that’s simple to understand and easy to translate to all of your endeavors in the kitchen. There are ten pages alone dedicated on how to melt chocolate—if something this deceivingly simple can be so complicated to warrant that word count, then no wonder candy-making can be tough to master! This section is full of tips, tricks, and troubleshooting, so it’s useful for both your practical needs and for arming you with the knowledge to truly understand what you’re doing in the kitchen. Reading about breaking down your dessert into chemical processes may sound like a bore, but fear not. Gutman and King’s voices are inviting, encouraging, and full of charm. You would think reading all this would make the idea of candy-making even more intimidating but, while they make no effort to hide that (it is complicated and requires a good deal of effort), I’ve never felt more ready to take on the challenge than after reading this book.

Good thing they provide you with an awesome collection of recipes to try while you’re all pumped up. They’re broken down into candy categories: Chocolates, Gummy and Chewy (caramels, jellies, marshmallows), Creamy (fudge, maple candy, pralines), Crunchy (lollipops, toffees, brittles), Homemade Candy Bars, as well as a catch-all category for Party Favorites (candy apples, cake balls, caramel corn). If you’re familiar with Liddabit Sweets from their stands at the Brooklyn Flea or Amsterdam Market (or pretty much anywhere in the city where the cool kids buy food), you’ll recognize their tendency to take something we all know and love and make it better by translating it to a more homestyle feel. You’ll find the recipes to their signature offerings here, including Snacker Bars—the creation that started it all with their take on Snickers, King Bars (a riff on Elvis’ favorite sandwich of peanut butter and banana), Beer and Pretzel Caramels, and Honeycomb Candy. But there are plenty of new things to try like Chocolate Toffee Matzo Crunch, Chai Latte Lollipops, or Hip-To-Be-Squares, which are, to put it in their words, “a creamy-crunchy combination of chocolate, hazelnut, and delicately crispy feuilletine wafers.” If you’re one of those people who, like my dad, lament that “you can’t get just chocolate ice cream anymore!” and are tired of all these crazy concoctions, there are tons of classics, too. We’ve got your truffles, turtles, cherry cordials, marzipan, Turkish delights, and their adorable homemade gummy bears, just to name a few.

Whether you’re looking to impress people with your array of homemade sweets at potlucks or to impress people with your newfound knowledge (I look forward to an opportunity to reference the “thread stage” of sugar in casual conversation), there’s something here for you. Even if you never try a single recipe, you’re sure to have fun simply spending time with The Liddabit Sweets Candy Cookbook.

This Is A Cookbook: Recipes For Real Life

The essence of Max and Eli Sussman’s This Is A Cookbook can be summed up in a single sentence: This is a cookbook with a foreword by Rob Delaney. Everything—from the range of recipes to the not overly stylized photographs, to the fonts—makes you feel like you’re hanging out with your coolest friends. Both brothers are hard-working food industry professionals (Max is the chef de cuisine at Roberta’s, and Eli is a line cook at Mile End Delicatessen) who live together in a sweet Brooklyn bachelor pad and, accordingly, the recipes have the feel of what cooks make for themselves at home on their day off—simple but not plain, comforting, nothing too labor-intensive, and just the right amount of trendiness.

Their introductory brunch chapter alone shows their wide range of cuisines, but it manages not to feel haphazard. A flip of the page goes from Chilaquiles (or “breakfast nachos” as I believe they’re traditionally called), to Fried Chicken and Waffles, to Latkes. The variety continues through the rest of the chapters: Backyard Grub, Night In, Dinner Party, Midnight Snacks, and Sweet Stuff. Korean Short Ribs, Turkish Baked Eggs, Avgolemono, Thyme Spaetzle, and Nutella Buns somehow all blend into a cohesive narrative. Along with the recipes, there are lessons interspersed throughout the book on how to tackle the culinary trends, including how to smoke your own bacon, pickle your own vegetables, and make your own pasta.

The mélange of recipes, the DIY element, and the design of the book itself are all quintessentially Brooklyn, but one bump in the road is that there’s a whole section on grilling. It seems a bit out of place in a book that otherwise assures you that great food can be made in the smallest of kitchens. But that’s not to say that the recipes themselves are unappreciated—hello, Grilled Figs with Burnt Honey and Pistachio Yogurt! Fifth-floor walk-up dwellers can easily adapt most of the dishes in this chapter to their stove tops or ovens with some know-how and creativity. Other than that, This is a Cookbook would fit right into the urban twenty or thirty-something lifestyle that it aims to reach. It’s accessible, but not boring. You’ll likely learn about a few new dishes, and it’s not restricted by expensive or hard-to-find ingredients. It’s the kind of book that you can pick up and actually use to make dinner on an average weeknight of your real life, not that fantasy version that you’ve portrayed on Pinterest that so many other cookbooks cater to. And for all you tablet-lovers, the digital version sounds incredible. It’s loaded with behind-the-scenes videos, pop-up tips and stories, step-by-step galleries, and even links to iTunes playlists curated by each brother. Overall, This is a Cookbook is a fun, charming, and useful book that would make both a great addition to a cook’s collection or an introductory volume for someone first making their way into the culinary world.

Baked Elements : Our 10 Favorite Ingredients

Baked Elements, the third cookbook from Baked owners Matt Lewis and Renato Poliafito, presents its recipes organized by ingredients, which is kind of genius. The urge to bake almost always comes from a craving for a certain ingredient. For Lewis and Poliafito, they were quickly able to come up with their shared top ten ingredients that grace their creations time and time again: peanut butter, lemon and lime, caramel, booze, pumpkin, malted milk powder, cinnamon, cheese, chocolate, and banana. (They do include recipes for homemade peanut butter, pumpkin puree, chocolate syrup, and three different caramels, if you want to be totally impressive.) There are seventy-five recipes here, and almost all of them manage to feel new and fresh. Dessert recipes often seem to be recycling the same ideas over and over again, but even the classics have their own Baked twist to them—like how their Key Lime Tarts have a pretzel crust. This book is presented more on the Martha Stewart side of the spectrum, but despite the fancy packaging, the recipes aren’t particularly high-end or pretentious. Most of them are pretty manageable, and have the added bonus of making it look like you spent a lot of time and effort on them.

Each section begins with a bunch of fun facts about the ingredient and an ode praising its value (Did you know that Milton Hershey’s initial venture was the Lancaster Caramel Company, opened in 1886, and he only learned about chocolate-making because he was looking for new ways to coat his caramels?). I especially enjoy the introductory sentence to the recipes: “If you have ever woken up with a slight hangover and a dubious, half-remembered, half-eaten jar of peanut butter at your side, we can empathize.” There’s a part of me that feels a bit guilty saying that some of their best recipes are to be found in their Booze section, from their Whiskey Peach Upside-Down Cake to their S’more-Style Chocolate Whiskey Pudding with Whiskey Marshmallow Topping to the Triple Rum Black Pepper Cake. But I was most intrigued by the malted ilk section, since it is an ingredient I think it’s safe to say most of us have very little experience with. It seems a bit old-timey to me, mostly associated with the malted milkshakes of old-school soda fountains (there’s a recipe for that), so it’s fitting that the chapter opens with homemade Devil Dogs With Malted Buttercream Filling. It also features updates on old favorites like Malted Milk Chocolate Pots de Crème and Malted Madeleines.

Their range of recipes transcends seasons and occasions. Of course, the lemon and lime recipes are suited to be enjoyed in the summer (oh for the Lemon Lime Champagne Granita on a hot day) and the pumpkin recipes in the Fall, but for the most part, you’d be able to turn to Baked Elements throughout the year. They also strike a nice balance between lighter and richer offerings and between more casual treats and decadent affairs. And while this is, in essence, a book of desserts, there are a handful of recipes that are just savory enough to be enjoyed as a breakfast or snack like their Good Morning Sunshine Bars, Pumpkin Cinnamon Rolls, Honey Banana Poppy Seed Bread, and their brilliantly named Lacy Panty Cakes—which are essentially pancakes amped up with graham crackers and whiskey sauce. They subtly incorporate a few trends like the boozy milkshake (bourbon, vanilla, and chocolate), whoopie pies (banana), and pretzels (whole-wheat cinnamon sugar) too so it feels especially current. (Okay, so pretzels might not be a full-on trend yet, but they’re on the cusp of being the next big thing—you heard it here first!) This comprehensive collection leans towards being a companion for special occasions, but is rarely so far-reaching that it couldn’t be picked up to add some delight to an average weekend.

Station Stops and Subway Rising

By Filed Under: Local Literature

The subway is my living room. I sit next to a woman doing her makeup, wait for a train alongside a man clipping his fingernails. As we ride, ladies take off their shoes and plunge their hands toward the soles as their fingers search for that one irritating lonesome pebble or piece of lint.

One day, a large man sits next to me, his thigh touching my thigh. “Would you like a fig?” he looks past me and asks the man to my left. The other man shakes his head and reveals a quiet grin of confusion. I look down and see that the large man has a branch of dried, brown, prune-like fruits dangling on a diagonal off a vine, like the veins on a leaf.

“Those are dates,” I offer. The man looks at me with surprise then down to the fruit.

“Are you sure?” he asks.

“I’m sure,” I confirm. I notice that below his wreath of dates is a box of date-filled cookies, the cover showing yellow round biscuits surrounded by the wrinkled fruit.

“See?” I say, motioning to the package.

He smiles and cries out in shock. “It is a date! I should know that,” he declares. “I’m a food writer.”

“Really?” I ask.

“Well I didn’t get this figure from nothing,” he says, running his hands down and under his rotund belly. From there the conversation continues. I learn his professional history. He is currently a minister, slash food writer; formerly a basketball player, slash hip-hop artist. “Google me,” he insists.

Another day, a smaller man sits beside me after bounding through the doors at Twenty-Third Street. He ruffles with a plastic bag between his feet.

“You know, I just bought this cologne and I don’t know if it’s any good. I drive a cab, so I always want to smell good,” he begins to tell me, without introduction. He pulls out a still-plastic wrapped brand name cologne I have now forgotten. He looks to me for approval. I shrug. I tell him I don’t know it.

He unwraps the box and pulls out the glass container, spritzing a small mist on himself. “What do you think?” He questions. His torso ends just inches below mine, so I can see most of his balding crown. Another passenger across from us looks on in amusement.

I lean to my left, nose bowing ever so slightly and I inhale. “You smell lovely,” I tell him.

The man nods, and satisfied, puts the cologne away. He thanks me for my input, and I can tell he feels better about his purchase. The next stop, I exit, saying a quick goodbye.

After Hurricane Sandy, my living room was dark. It was filled with water, and I imagined fish navigating its hallways, speeding past South Ferry along State and Pearl, the black and white mosaic of tree branches transformed to waving seaweed, bending with the rippling water. Even though I sat in my perfectly undamaged apartment, I still felt a small pang of loss. Not only of mobility and convenience, but of space, of refuge.

Spotted, molding, chipping walls; plastic bottle, potato chip bag, and rodent accessorized rails; piquant whiffs of urine or vomit that are not all too uncommon. But everyone in the subway experiences the same sensory assaults. As travelers, we are in it together. Like the funky odor the family car often takes on. It’s a familiar stink, a familiar rocking and squealing of motion.

I was relieved when I could finally return again, bounding down the steps at Seventh Avenue in Brooklyn, book in hand, ready to enjoy my half-hour ride, my productive time of underground commuting. It was like someone was handing me a ticket home. Like tasting my mother’s chocolate cake after one too many months without it. It was back. My living room, restored.

Picture Perfect

By Filed Under: Dispatches From Babyville

By the middle of January, I’ve packed up all the Christmas ornaments, wrestled the fake tree back into its box and tossed the leftover candy canes into the trash. Last to go are the holiday cards. As I archive our family’s card by sliding it into the file folder right in front of last year’s, I can’t help but remember the behind-the-scenes drama which went into the making of the card, a drama which is as much a tradition for our family by now as the card itself.

It starts with me, in early December, unearthing a Santa hat and clearing the memory card on my camera. “C’mon kids, we’re gonna take a picture,” I announce, tossing their holiday apparel at them.

This is, of course, not the whole truth. We’re not just going to take a picture. We are going to take the Christmas Card Picture. That’s a whole different ball of wax.

“What kind of picture?” asks my eight-year-old son, known in these parts as Primo. Then he glances down at the plaid buttondown shirt I’ve handed him and a look of dread comes over his face, “Why are you giving me my party shirt, Mommy? Is it—it’s not—are we taking our Christmas card picture?”

I zip my five-year-old, Seconda, into her red taffeta party dress before replying, “Yes.”

Seconda spins around to face me.

“No!” she gasps.

“Awww mom,” whines Primo, like a rotten kid in a sitcom, “do we have to?”

“Do you have to?” I shoot back and just like that, the fiasco is underway. The mere phrase, “do we have to?” is all it takes to get me started. Hell, I’m still mad from last year’s photo shoot.

“What do I ever ask from you kids?” I lament, like I’m doing an impression of my own mother, except I’m dead serious, “Nothing! Just a few decent pictures of you all together, just twice a year, on Halloween and Christmas—”

“And Easter,” Primo points out.

“OK, and Easter.”

“And my communion,” he continues.

“That was a one-time thing!”

“And the baby’s baptism.”

Already, I’m at a six on the Mad Mommy Scale. Already. And we haven’t even turned the camera on yet.

“Just get outside!” I hiss as I usher them out the door, hoisting the baby, eight-month-old Terza, onto my hip.

We always take the pictures outside because the natural light eliminates the possibility that I’ll go through all the trouble of the Christmas card photo shoot and end up with blurry or shadowy or backlit pictures. I learned that lesson the hard way in years one and two of Primo’s life.

Shooting on the bench in front of our building means we get good light, but it also means we are on public display, which is unfortunate because my parenting during the Christmas card photo shoot is not something I want witnessed by an audience.

“Can I have an M&M?” Seconda asks on the way down the stairs.

“No way,” I reply, “You know the drill. Take a good picture, get an M&M.”

“Uuuuuugh,” she groans.

In theory, taking a decent picture of my children shouldn’t take more than four, maybe five minutes. You sit still, you smile for the camera, you get a heaping handful of M&Ms. Everybody’s happy. We get on with our day. It doesn’t have to be a living nightmare.

This is the same pep talk I give the kids year after year, and every time I believe it can be this simple.

Part of what makes our photo shoot so difficult is that my kids haven’t gotten much practice posing for pictures. For the most part, my husband David and I prefer slice-of-life candid shots, the kind of photographs that capture a real moment in time, that tell a story. I mean, who really wants canned pictures of kids with forced smiles plastered on their faces? Me, that’s who. Two or three times a year, I want those fake smiles and unblinking eyes and arms slung around each other’s shoulders. It’s a lapse in my taste and my sanity, but I can’t help it. I want the perfect Christmas picture. I want pictures that could be mistaken for the stock photographs which are pre-set in frames when you buy them, which Seconda is always confused about (“Why are you buying pictures of these strangers, Mommy??!!”).

Because when I make my Christmas card, what I am really doing is making a little commercial of my family. I want the commercial to be pretty and shiny and happy and touching so that everyone who views it wants to go out and buy a family exactly like mine.

Unfortunately, my kids are not particularly adept at making this kind of commercial. It takes a lot of hard work, a shameful amount of bribing, and the better part of an afternoon to get them picture perfect. Each tiny step takes ten times as long as it should.

The first step—sit on the bench—goes like this: Primo perches on the back of the bench and Seconda sits on the ground. When I correct them, they switch and Primo’s on the ground with Seconda on the back of the bench. Then Primo lays down on the bench and Seconda beats him senseless for stealing her spot. Then Primo kicks her in the guts. Then, mass hysteria.

When they are both sitting next to each other on the bench, I have to insert the baby into the equation. This is, of course, no simple affair. They both want to hold the baby. The baby, on the other hand, wants to be held by no one. She screams on Primo’s lap. She screams on Seconda’s lap. I take a few Baby Screaming shots, thinking we could go for a funny Christmas photo this year. But inevitably, the baby’s hand is blocking one of the kid’s faces, or the kids are hitting each other behind her, and that takes the picture from funny and cute to depressing and troubling.

The baby can’t be bribed with M&Ms. To make the baby happy, I have to do the Mommy-Be-Stupid-and-Crazy Show in which I jump up and down making monkey sounds or stick my tongue out and spit continuously for a full minute, all while trying to hold the camera steady.

This works, and the baby starts smiling. But at that exact moment, Seconda decides she’s had enough and wanders off set. Then Primo figures, “Hell, if she’s leaving, I am too,” and jumps off the bench while he is holding the baby. I have to lunge to catch Terza, dropping the camera in the process and letting forth a pretty ferocious, R-rated string of expletives.

“Lets try not to KILL ANYONE during this photo shoot please!” I shriek.

“Well, it’s your fault for torturing us!” Primo shrieks back.

“Torture?” I bellow, now at least an eight on the Mad Mommy Scale, “You wanna see torture?”

We’ve been outside for ten minutes and do not have one decent photo.

“Kids,” I growl, “I can do this all day. All! Day!”

They know I mean it, too, so they head back to the bench for round two. This time, I let the baby hold a rattle so she’s distracted. Now it’s all about getting the other two not to make totally weird faces. Seconda is eerily photogenic, but she always ends up looking irate. And while it works for Vogue Italia, “furious fiveyear- old” just doesn’t work for our Christmas card.

Primo has a bunch of possible weird faces. There’s the “I’m trying to look really sweet but look like I am doped up on opium with my eyes half-closed” expression. There’s the “I’m trying to look excited but my eyes are popping out of head and my nose is flared like a fire-breathing dragon” expression. And then, of course, there’s the “I’m trying to look pensive but I look like I’m on the toilet” expression, which let’s face it, all of us fall prey to.

So I stand there with my camera, trying to coach him: “Smile! No! Not like that! Less teeth! Ah, no, no, no. that’s the dragon look. More teeth again. No! No, honey, no! That’s the opium look, that’s the worst one! OK, forget smiling. No smiles! STOP SMILING! Good, yes, OK, Oh God, Oh no. That was the toilet look. Ok, let’s take five.”

We huddle up and I give the kids an M&M to keep their heads in the game.

“We can do this,” I tell them,“ We are not inventing the camera. We are not even taking a photograph with a manual camera. We are just taking a picture. Easy peasy.”

Then the kids try, they really do, but the baby’s tired and I’ve confused Primo so much he can’t control his facial muscles anymore, and then the neighbor’s dog wanders into the frame and drools on Seconda’s dress, during which the baby grabs his ear and bedlam breaks out.

I shout, “It’s a wrap!” and toss M&Ms to anyone with a pulse and wonder if there’s a bottle of wine I can uncork post-haste.

“Ok, that was good,” I reassure the kids as we walk up the stairs, “You guys did good.”

Which is stretching it.

Later that night, I check out the fruits of our labor and am royally disappointed. I spend a few hours trying to crop creatively, and eventually decide that rather than a card with one great picture, I’ll make a card with four or six lousy ones, the idea being to inundate my recipients with so many images, they won’t be able to give any of them real scrutiny.

I click and drag and add some punchy copy and then, with a sigh of relief, I hit “Checkout.” And I forget about it.

But when the box of cards arrives in the mail and I take a look at what we’ve created, something miraculous happens. The pictures aren’t awful at all. Sure, Primo’s eyes are kind of droopy in that one, and yes, a large portion of the baby’s forehead is cut off in this one, and Seconda’s smile is pretty goofy here, but when you see it all together, it’s great. Better than great. It’s my family. Definitely not perfect. Not the family everyone, or even anyone else, would buy. But just the way I like them.

To read more of Nicole’s adventures in Mommyland, visit her blog at amomamok.blogspot.com.

Winter Wellness, Park Slope Style

By Filed Under: Healthy Living

It’s not your fault. The skies are gray and it’s too cold to leave your bed for any reason except to pee and to make more tea. Winter is a threat to mental stability, and gorging on eggnog and leftovers is one of the few ways to persevere. Unfortunately, all that deliciousness also means the dreaded holiday fifteen, or twenty, or thirty, if things really get out of hand. But it doesn’t have to be that way!

Whether you have an established fitness routine or an unused gym membership, now is the perfect time to try something new. I’m not saying put down the hot cocoa, but working out can be another way to ward off seasonal affective disorder. And it doesn’t have to be twenty minutes on the treadmill followed by fifty crunches and ten reps of whatever. Here is where we call in the experts. Janine Flasschoen owns The Fifth Line, which offers your yoga and Pilates classes, but also teaches the Gyrotonic method. Gyrotonic may seem at first to be the new Pilates with a super-official name. But it’s more than a fitness fad—it’s a way of life and a defense mechanism extraordinaire against the winter blues.

And what is this newfangled Gyrotonic you ask? Flasschoen explains it best: “Similar to dance, it uses the entire body in continuous movement, building elongated muscular strength while increasing flexibility and range of motion. The coordination component keeps the mind actively working and refining the neuromuscular pathways. Like yoga, it emphasizes various breathing techniques that center the mind, calm the nervous system, or, when coordinated with movement, efficiently propel the body. Movements can be done with speed, stimulating the cardiovascular system, or it can be done slowly and more meditatively, nourishing the body and mind.”

So basically it’s all the best elements of a workout combined into one. Flasschoen’s mentality about working out pretty much sums up the energy of the Gyrotonic method and the point of this article: “Fitness is not only about toning, conditioning and fitting into those skinny jeans, but about physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.”

Of course, I would be remiss not to mention yoga when talking about physical and mental well-being. Yoga is one those fitness trends we’ve probably all tried a few times before losing our yoga mats in the depths of our closets. But perhaps we haven’t been seeing beyond the hippie-dippy mumbo jumbo of it all.

The point of yoga isn’t to immediately escape our tendencies toward hibernation or “turning inward,” as the founder of Yogasana, Kristen Davis, calls it. Rather, it’s a way to give in to those tendencies while simultaneously breaking free from them. According to Davis, “We see our habits; we see the imprint of our thinking, our way of being, on the body. It’s far more profound than just stretching and strengthening (although it is that too). It changes us.” It’s like therapy: you have to want to get better for it to work. Davis’ description of her first experience with yoga exemplifies her open-mindedness towards the exercise: “The first yoga class I took left me feeling like some strange cubist painting, like I’d been taken apart and put back together again. I fell in love with it!” I think we’d all benefit from temporarily being a cubist painting, and the instructors at Yogasana will help you do just that. They tend to the needs of each individual student, so it’s almost like seeing a shrink. Except instead of probing your mind, they probe your mind-body-soul.

T’ai chi is another one of those buzzwords you’ve heard floating around the New Age fitness atmosphere, and it’s also a recent addition to Park Slope. T’aichiinparkslope, currently hosted at the Annex at Ellie Herman’s Pilates Studio, opened just three months ago. T’ai chi is an age-old martial art that uses slow but precise movements to strengthen and relax the muscles. At first glance, it may appear to not be much of a workout. But you’ll actually be getting the chi flowing, and you won’t have to walk the streets sweaty and red-faced afterward.

Susan Hamovitch, the founder and director of T’aichiinparkslope, acknowledges your skepticism. “It may sound hocus pocus. What is chi, after all? The truth is, it’s an invisible ‘force;’ it can’t be seen or traced. But it has been shown over and over to not only exist, but to follow the meridians that have been identified in ancient Chinese medicine. Think acupuncture. Think remedies for arthritis, coughs, back pain, muscle aches—and far more deep-seated emotional and psychological stresses.”

Did that strike a chord with your inner hypochondriac? Because those dedicated to the practice of t’ai chi claim to rarely succumb to the common cold, and recent studies have shown the effectiveness of t’ai chi in helping with chronic pain in those with serious illnesses, as well as those of us suffering from the general ills of everyday life. According to Hamovitch, “The head of neurology at Methodist recommends patients with Parkinson’s get themselves into a t’ai chi program pronto.”

Jikishininkan Aikido Dojo is a non-profit organization dedicated to teaching aikido, another martial art form, but one that focuses on the art of defense. Jikishininkan translates to “direct mind” and reflects the Buddhist teachings the dojo promotes in its practice of aikido as well as zen meditation.

One normally doesn’t associate zen with defending oneself against an attacker, an attacker who may very well have a knife or Samurai sword, for that matter. But Sensei Stewart Johnson, head instructor and dojo cho, explains, “The goal is to develop the necessary skill, focus, awareness and compassion to control an attack without injury to your attacker or yourself. Aikido is purely defensive in nature, relying on throws, joint locks and pins rather than disabling strikes. We strive to blend with the energy of the attack, redirecting and guiding it to a throw, joint lock or pin.”

The experience of being on the receiving end of an aikido defense demonstrates the level of control over both mind and body that is possible to achieve through aikido. Johnson says, “As a beginner student I had an opportunity to attack my sensei, and I remember that my reaction can be summed up in one word: bewilderment. I felt like I had voluntarily turned my punch into a gentle ellipse that spiraled down to the mat. I never once felt sensei ‘do’ anything to me. I was convinced I had done it to myself for reasons I simply could not fathom.”

But maybe you’re more of an adrenaline junkie than a zenmaster. Maybe you’re not. Maybe you just want to make more friends? The Brooklyn Road Runners Club may be the answer to two of your New Years Resolutions this year: 1) get fit and 2) meet new people. According to Michael Balbos, communications director of Brooklyn Road Runners, two members met through the running group and ended up getting married. Balbos himself invited two members to his own wedding. Balbos says, “The best thing about Brooklyn Road Runners are the friendships you make.”

Steve Bonal, founder and president of the Brooklyn Road Runners Club, wanted to start a runner’s group that balanced the serious with the social aspects of running. The group trains for races, and the standard route is around Prospect Park roadway, about 3.35 miles, and while they try not to leave anyone behind, be prepared to at least jog the distance. Even if you’re doing more chatting than jogging.

Balbos says, “Running is a very communal activity with lots of discussions going on during a group run. Many of our runners get together socially or coordinate separate runs together if life interferes and they can’t make our standard group runs. We also have a yearly awards ceremony and holiday party, a pre-New York City Marathon get together, and other social activities.” So even if you don’t meet the love of your life, you’re bound to make some new friends, and all of you will be hot and fit and ready to meet babes. Sign me up.

What it all boils down to is finding the right fitness routine for you. One that is fun, feels good, and keeps you motivated enough to keep going back. Let’s all take one final note from the fitness guru Janine Flasschoen: “As we head into the stress of the holidays, the cold winter months ahead, and feel the tendencies to hibernate, I think it is important to let fitness be all encompassing. Listen closely to what your body needs on any given day and allow your exercise to be nurturing.”

The Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky

By Filed Under: Spirits

excerpt from The Ghost of Brooklyn: Thrilling Accounts of Souls, Spirits and Ghosts

The 78th Police Precinct, located at 65 6th Avenue, is the site of a peculiar haunting.  This police station, as is not uncommon given the nature of world, is a place where people have died, prisoners have attempted suicide and distraught spirits linger.  There are, in other words, a good number of instances of paranormal activity.

It is thought that these ghosts have now become more active.  Some psychics believe the construction of the Nets arena a block away has animated them. They have grown curious about the changes in the neighborhood. It is, psychics suggest, the reason these spectral beings have become more visible.

It is not any of the ghosts inside the 79th Police Precinct that concerns this haunting, but rather it is the Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky.  The Ghost makes his way to the police station to report his luggage is lost.  He doesn’t know where to find it.

He is believed to be the ghost of the one surviving passenger — a young boy — who fell from the sky when United Airlines flight 826 and Trans World Airlines flight 266 collided over Staten Island on December 16, 1960.  United Airlines flight 826, with 84 passengers and crew aboard, departed Chicago O’Hare and was bound for New York Idlewild International Airport (now renamed John F. Kennedy International Airport).  It crashed in Park Slope along Sterling Place and 7th Avenue. Trans World Airlines flight 266, with 44 passengers and crew aboard was scheduled to land at LaGuardia Airport, arriving from Dayton and Columbus, Ohio.  It crashed into a vacant airfield, now part of Gateway National Park, on Staten Island.  The disaster killed all 128 people aboard both aircraft and six people on the ground.

One passenger survived the initial impact.  Stephen L. Baltz, an 11-year-old boy from Wilmette, Illinois, was thrown from the tail section of the United Airlines jetliner and landed on a snow bank.  Residents rolled him in the snow to extinguish the flames that engulfed his clothes.  He was conscious, and Dorothy M. Fletcher, who lived at 143 Berkeley Place, rushed to help.  The photograph of her holding an umbrella to protect the child from the falling snow made headlines around the country.

In 2004, at the age of 91, she was interviewed by Nathaniel Altman of the Park Slope Reader. This is how she recalled that day:

There were two men walking by, and I called out to them, “Do you have a car?”  Because there were so many people around there, and so many automobiles that ambulances couldn’t get through.  And they said, “Yes, we have a car.” It was on Lincoln Place. … We lay Stephen on the back seat and I knelt down beside him.  All the way up to the hospital he talked to me.  What broke my heart was when he asked me if he was going to die.  I said, “Not if we can help it.  We’re taking you to Methodist Hospital.”  And he said, “That’s good, because I am a Methodist.”  He also told us that his daddy was still in Illinois, in Chicago, and his mother and sister were waiting for him at the airport.  They were going to spend Christmas with his uncle up in Yonkers.  It’s almost as though he were talking to me now.  I can hear him … Up to three years ago, Mrs. Baltz and I sent each other Christmas cards and would report what was going on with our families.  And then it stopped like that, and I just surmised that she had passed away.

The boy died from his injuries the following day, peacefully, with his mother and father by his side.

In the intervening decades, there have been reports of the Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky making his way from the intersection of Sterling Place and 7th Avenue to the 78th Precinct at 65 6th Avenue to report his lost luggage.

Is the Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky none other than Stephen L. Baltz, the 11-year-old Boy Scout from Illinois, who was flying to New York to spend Christmas with family in Yonkers?

There is a consensus that the ghost is indeed that of Stephen L. Baltz.  He is seen wandering the streets.  He is holding his boarding pass for United Airlines flight 826 and a luggage claim ticket. He says he is confused, and doesn’t know where the airport baggage claim is located.  He is sure his mother is waiting for him at the end of the jet way, but he doesn’t remember how he got here.

The Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky has communicated with psychics to let them know that he’s a Boy Scout and knows First Aid.  He says he can help the injured.  The Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky further claims that when he arrives at the 78th Precinct, the police officers ignore him.

Is it because he’s a minor and his parents aren’t with him?  Is it because they don’t believe him when he explains that his airplane crashed a few blocks away?  Is it because they don’t have time for him?

The Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky claims he becomes exasperated at being ignored.  He leaves the station and just sits on the steps.  He wonders what Yummy Tacos are. He is curious — but a bit scared — to go into Hungry Ghost.  He only has 65 cents, so he can’t even buy a can of soda at the corner store.

The police officers at the 78th Police Precinct may not see or believe the Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky, but do you?

Do you see him as he approaches the 78th Police Precinct?  Do you see him when he’s sitting on the steps?  Do you see him as he walks the streets, holding his boarding pass, baggage claim ticket and 65 cents?

Do you believe the Ghost of the Boy Who Fell from the Sky when he claims to have fallen from the sky over Park Slope?

In your life, when was the last time you fell and depended on the kindness of strangers?

Sex, Chocolate and Death

By Filed Under: Hypocrite's Almanac

What!?!  Summer is over?  I just got around to shaving my legs!  Not that hairy legs stopped me from going to the local public pool.  Sorry about that.  Hope it didn’t gross you out.  I figured since there’s plenty to be skeeved out about there, I’d fit right in with the floating hairballs, used band-aids and snakes of phlegm surfing the waves.  Back to summer though.  As much as I hate to see it go, I adore Fall when it appears.  But know this about me. I fall in and out of love easily.  I get these crushes, see?  I bet I’d get a crush on you if I ever met you.  You’re perfect for me in every way.  You don’t turn away from me when I’m talking to (or writing to) you and you give me the space I need.  You don’t leave your shit everywhere and your breath is as fresh as the air in the room I’m in right now.  You could work a little on your conversation but that’ll come later.  I like silence.  I do.  But wait, do you like me?  Look at this.  3=>  That’s what I look like naked when I’m lying on my side.  Hot, huh?

That was a lot of fun.  Guess what’s not going to be fun?  The rest of this column.  Yep. Summer’s over.  Fall is the universal season of decay.  I need to be seasonally appropriate.  We had a great time but it just wasn’t meant to last.

So.  I have this one relative that is absolutely birdshit crazypants.  And how her insanity manifests is by saying the absolute rudest and most inappropriate things every time she opens her birdshit crazypants mouth hole.  If you were standing in your wedding dress about to go down the aisle and she passed you on her way to the bathroom she would say.   “Ohhhh.  Are you allergic to lobster?  My face gets puffy like that when I eat shellfish.  That reminds me, I was wondering if the man you’re marrying has Oriental blood in him.  His eyes look Oriental.  But his last name is Wang.  Isn’t that a German name?  Is he a Nazi?  He looks like a Nazi-Oriental to me.”

This is only an example.  And it’s watered down at that. I wish I could give you an actual transcript but I’m saving it for my book: Can You Believe Someone Actually Said This?  I really could regale you for a solid week with her nuttiest chestnuts.  But, believe it or not, I get paid to write this column and I’m supposed to tell you how to live your life, not complain about my relatives.  So, here.  I’m going to tell you how I learned to deal with her.

After about 10 years of her remarks leaving my jaw unhinged and my mind racing around in its attic trying to find some response, any response besides the instinctual WHHHHHAAAAA?, I stumbled upon a strategy.  Now when she drops a conversational bomb on a crowd big or small, I pretend she’s dying of a terminal illness but doesn’t yet know it.  The scenario is detailed:  I was in the lab the night before when the results came in.  The physician on duty had never seen anything like it.  The prognosis is catastrophic.  She only has two days to live.  We decide to let her primary physician break the news to her but he’s at his granddaughter’s piano recital so he’s going to call her in the next day.  This is the next day.  While she’s talking to me, I can hear her phone ring in her purse but the ringer is on low — only I can hear it.  It’s just so sad.  Only 48 hours!!  The doctor was contemplating not even telling her.  But that’s him, on her cell phone, calling to deliver the news.

Ring ring.  That’s what I pretend to hear under everything she says.  Ring ring.  Ring ring.  The imaginary sound cue fills me with patience and compassion and allows me to respond to one of her doosies not with, “SHUT YOUR FACE!” but with something akin to, “How’s your car running?”  (This is very safe territory.  She has a Ford.  It is always running well.  This is not a paid advertisement from Ford.)  Usually she’ll say “Fine,” and then go into another room wondering how it’s possible that I could be so very dull as to ask about her car.  This is a very successful interaction with her.

Now, we all have a terminal condition.  (Pssssst.  We’re all going to die.  Even you, reading this at the gym while you’re elliptical-ing.) But being in close proximity to someone struggling with real health issues can affect our behavior.  Sometimes for the better, sometimes not.  Which brings me to my first and only letter.

Dear Hypocrite.

I love you.  I think you’re the greatest free-of-charge hypocritical life coach there ever was.  I wish you had a TV show.  Not that I watch TV.  I mean, I watch HBO and Mad Men, but that’s not TV.

I’m writing to you for help.  My mom is sick.  Two years ago she got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  Her decline has been swift.  Fortunately, my older sister lives nearby and has been checking in on her daily.   This morning, however, she informed me and my younger brother that my mom needs a higher level of care than she can provide. 

I am frozen with fear.  All my life I told myself that I don’t know what I’d do if my mom died and now that the reality is closer, I am incapacitated. I’m in a plane that’s going down and all I can do is read the safety card in the pocket in front of me.  I hate that I’m like this but I don’t know how to be any other way.  My mom means the world to me.  Growing up, my dad wasn’t in the picture.  My mom had to work two jobs and went to school at night to give us everything we wanted.  Plus, she was fun.  She’d wear silly hats when she woke us up in the morning.  She was just the best.  Literally, the best mother you could ever, ever want! 

She put me through college and law school.  And now, because I’m a partner at a big fancy firm in Midtown, I can afford to get her the best care.  But I don’t want to just throw money at this.  It’s my mom, I want to be there for her.  But like I said, I’m so sad I can barely pick up the phone to ask my sister how she is.  I feel terrible.  How do I snap out of this?

Depressed and Not Dealing Well on Dean Street

Dear DaNDWoDS,

Whoa.  Okay.  First things first.

Thank you.  I love you too, and I bet you are an amazing lawyer. From your letter, I can tell you have passion and compassion, which is useful in your job.  I think.  I’m not sure.  I have a friend who is a corporate lawyer.  He says what he does makes him sick to think about, so he goes on autopilot most of the time.  I hope that you aren’t in this situation.  You have enough difficult emotions churning inside you to process.  Let’s talk about a way to help you face your fears.

But wait, there’s some housekeeping to do.   HBO/Mad Men is TV.  I grant you that it’s very good television, but that doesn’t mean you can call it something else.  I hate asparagus unless it’s broiled in duck fat, but I still have to call it asparagus. Moving on.

For the lawyers:  I am not a licensed therapist.  You should find one.  Ask your friends or your doctor for referrals. You live in Park Slope.  Nine out of 10 people you pass on the street are therapists.  Just ask the woman next to you in line at the Coop where her office is.  Don’t feel like you need to choose the first one you meet with.  First up: you should feel safe and not sexually aroused.  It’s the opposite of the bar scene. I never follow this rule, but it’s essential.
Now.  Let’s really begin.  I’m sorry you’re going through this.  It’s hard to see a parent hurting. You probably know this but with degenerative brain diseases, your mom can actually live many more years — although the mom you know might not be around much longer.  My dad has Parkinson’s.  It’s different, but still sucks.  He first started showing signs 10 years ago and it’s been a very steady downhill slide since then.  I look at pictures of him a decade ago and I can easily see him as my young dad, 40 years prior.  But to compare those same photos to how he looks now, the connection is much harder to make.   I’d like to tell you everything is going to be fine, but it isn’t.  It’s going to be hard.  It’s very sad to see someone you love deteriorate in front of your eyes, but there are some things you can do to help yourself and your mom.

I know you feel immobilized but there are still things you can do.  You’re a lawyer.  You know how to research.  Start by researching the beJesus out of the disease — especially the symptoms so you know what to expect.  Find out about all of the medications your mom is taking.  Meet with her doctors.  Interview caregivers.  Get into the details of the management of your mom’s illness.  This will be a big help to your siblings who might not be able to do what you do as well as you do.  Everyone can contribute in his or her own way to keeping your mom comfortable during this time.  Work as a team.   Oh, and I’m sure you’re on this, but make sure all her finances and documents are in order.  That’s really important to do now.  Stay organized.  I bet you can do that.  See?  You’re not incapacitated.  You’re helping!

When you’re with your mom, meet her where she is.  If she’s happy, be excited and give your voice enthusiasm.  If she’s solemn, use a lower, more serious tone.  And don’t deny her reality.  If she’s worried about a deadline for work assignment at a job she hasn’t had in 20 years, tell her that you’ll help her with it.  Offer to call her boss and ask for an extension.  Address her fears and don’t try to convince her that they are unfounded.  And when at a complete loss for words, use eye contact and touch.

You will get frustrated. Remember that it’s not her, it’s the Alzheimer’s that you’re frustrated with.  No doubt, this illness will rip your heart out, especially as the mom you know fades from view.  Take lots of deep breaths.  And for me, a strong gin and tonic every night is extraordinarily helpful.  Unless it’s the winter.  Then I switch to crank.

And the big thing.  The number one big tip is to care for your mom in the way you would want to be cared for.  She’s in there.  Give her your love.  Play music for her, bring her flowers, bring her a dog to pet (don’t leave it there), brush her hair.  C’mon.  You can do this.  Don’t let your fear of her illness keep you from spending time with her.  She’s still your mom.  The best mom in the world.

Did I lose a couple of you out there?  Figured.  People don’t like to think about death or illness unless they absolutely have to.  I’m sorry you have to at this point, Depressed and Not Dealing Well, but it’s all part of the package.  You get to have sex and eat chocolate but you also have to get sick and die.  That’s the dealio.

Good luck to you, and give your mom my love.

Until next time …

Park Slopers For Obama!

By Filed Under: Community

We asked a number of the artists who illustrate for us to rend their take on a Obama campaign poster. Some of the artists included their comments on President Obama and the upcoming election. We thank all the artists that participated.

Artist: Andrea D’aquino

It pretty much goes without saying that most Brooklynites, Park Slopers in particular, are Democrats. It is assumed that if you ask anyone on the street, in shops, or at playgrounds in this small town in a big city, they will proudly, happily and unabashedly say “I’m a Democrat!” Why, I know a New Yorker who voted for a dead guy rather than vote Republican. I wanted to put this theory to the test and hit the streets, the shops, and the social media. My mission was to ask people here in Park Slope, are they voting for Barack Obama? And if yes, could they please tell me why? The answers, almost — almost (more on that later) were a resounding “YES!” and “More than happy to. Why, thanks for asking.”

I know, I know. This is stating the obvious, “Gee, a Brooklyninte voting Democrat?! Why, I never…” It is redundant — sorry. But I wanted to get quotes, actual cogent thoughts, as to why Barack Obama is, in fact, so awesome, just in case anyone is a “swinger” as my foreign friend puts it — she means “Swing Voter”, of course (sorry, this is not that kind of story.) So, a post or two on my social media page, a couple of electronic communications, and many, many face-to-face “why is this woman coming up to me and talking to me?” moments later, I give you the following:

Before I hit the bricks, I took a shortcut and turned to my husband, Peter, a trial lawyer, and asked him. “Seriously? You need a reason?” “YES! Pretend I’m six.” My six-year-old quickly chimed in, “Well my reason is I trust him.” Whoa, rewind. “What?” “I trust that he is spending our money on new schools, museums, and hospitals.” Dumfounded, I asked him where he got his information, and he told me that is just what presidents do, and that’s what his class talked about when the children wrote him letters in kindergarten this February (Obama not only wrote back, but also sent a bunch of great photos. Thank you public school and amazing kindergarten teacher!) Now, back to my husband who is an intelligent (and handsome) father of two, slightly over 39 years old: “In  Barack Obama’s first four years in office, he has done more to make my life and the lives of my children better. [Not his wife’s????] Barack Obama established the credit card bill of rights that prevents credit card companies from imposing arbitrary rate increases on customers.  I benefit from that. [Yay! I can buy more stuff and not feel guilty. Sorry, I digress.] He signed into law healthcare reform that, among other things, ensures that nobody in my family will be denied health care coverage based on a preexisting condition, and that my kids can stay on my health plan until they are 26 if their employer does not offer health insurance.”

Artist: Ashley Kircher
President Obama is a compassionate, measured, articulate and educated leader. These qualities are what make him the best equipped to lead a country that is only becoming more diverse, in a world that is increasingly connected. His moderate stances on issues, sometimes leaving him in the position of pleasing no one, are the wisest in a time when pleasing a political party can mean reducing an issue to black and white. Things do not get simpler, only more complex, and someone with a flexible mind should be the one to guide.

That’s a lot of good stuff. In 20 years, when my son is 26 I hope we will be retired and living off my son and not needing to pay his insurance. Unless, of course, he indeed decides to become a lunar paleontologist, in which case he will still be in school and we will still be working to pay for his education (unless Obama becomes president!) I digress.

All kidding aside and editorial comments omitted, I continue with Kevin. Kevin not only owns and runs a hiking tour and gear rental shop called Gear to Go Outfitters, located on Garfield Place, he is also a former lawyer, and…wait for it…a veteran. And he’s super smart and articulate (ladies, as of press time he is single). I knew his reply would spell it out — he is smart, but he was also in the military, so he cuts through the crap. He had this to say: “ I think the theory that the Republicans would be better for small business died with Ronald Reagan.  Trickle-down economics has been shown to be a failed policy that only benefits those at the top. I can’t stay in business if only the top 1% can afford to purchase my products and services.  The more people who have disposable income, the better my business and the economy, overall, will do.” Yes, Kevin!  Raise your hand if you have disposable income! Anyone? Anyone? No? Well, don’t worry; Kevin still sells things you need (portable wine flask, rain gear, head lamps and kids’ lunch box items), so shop local! He continued on, saying that “Obama also appeals to me as a veteran.  Though he never served, he does seem to deliberate before using force which I much prefer to Bush’s ‘shoot first and justify later’ policy.  There’s supposed to be a contract of sorts between those in the military and the civilian population of our country.  As a member of the armed forces of the United States, I was prepared to lay down my life to defend my country, but it’s supposed to be for a damned good reason.  Historically, those presidents who have served in the military (I don’t consider George W. Bush in that category) have been the least likely to use force and have done so only when it appeared absolutely necessary.  I want a president who takes a minute to think whether it’s absolutely necessary to send us into battle. A president who seeks to exhaust all alternate solutions besides the use of force, and a president who then evaluates whether the ends the use of force seeks to obtain justify the potential sacrifice of our nation’s finest men and women. Obama has demonstrated these attributes.” Well said and well spoken. I owe this guy at least two beers.

Artist: Jackie Hahn
Americans are notorious for seeking out quick fixes for change. Whether it be losing pounds fast with a diet pill or winning the lottery, our lack of ability to see the scope of the greater problem, and subsequent bitterness when we don’t see immediate results, has hindered our progress and turned us into skeptics and pessimists. President Obama is able to visualize a bright future that is fundamentally different from the past. This drastic shift in perspective is ultimately what our impatient nation needs, but we also need to trust and understand that this change will not happen overnight.

Amanda, who is a mother of two and runs Row New York, a non-profit empowering youth from under-resourced communities through the sport of rowing. She is a born and raised New Yorker with a Harvard advanced degree, a 30-something mother of two, and a long time Park Slope/Windsor Terrace Resident. Amanda had this to say: “Why Obama? Because, for the most part, I agree with his policies. I support gay marriage, a woman’s right to choose abortion, cap and trade legislation, higher taxes for the wealthy, keeping religion out of schools, making healthcare accessible, and gun regulation. I really believe that Obama has the interests of more Americans at heart. Like Obama, I am opposed to privatizing Medicare. I think Obama cares about the greater good for more Americans than Romney does. Romney would be good for those who are doing well — wealthy Americans, big business — but those people are already okay. I am more interested in those who don’t fall into that category … first generation college students, the poor, the sick, the elderly. As Michelle Obama talked about in her convention speech, ‘we can’t get through the door of opportunity and slam it behind us.’” This woman was very passionate, informed and very suspicious of the one Subaru on her block who has Romney/Ryan sticker.

Another female 30-something mother of two, who has lived in Park Slope for 11 years, agreed. Steph, a columnist for Brooklyn Paper and blogger for GoldStar4trying.com, also had a soft spot for helping others (maybe it’s a mom thing, but shouldn’t we ALL care about taking care of those in need?) Steph said, “I’m voting for Obama because he still has hope that every single person in this country deserves a chance. Is he the perfect leader? No. Does he have all the answers? No. But unlike Romney and his cohorts, Obama is at least trying to figure programs that help the ‘poor, lazy, slobs’ making less than $250K a year, so I’m giving President O my vote and a big gold star.” I hope Steph gives the Park Slope Reader a gold star. She is a really good writer and dresses cool.

Artist: Samuel Ferri

Marcus, a 26-year-old Asian-American male (he asked to be indentified as such) who works in one of our important community centers, told me why he was voting for Obama. First of all, he blames Bush for his prior period of unemployment and credits Obama’s legislation for obtaining this new, current job. Marcus was required to attend career readiness workshops while he was unemployed, and he says if it weren’t for that, he never would have gotten the boost he needed. And we would be deprived of his welcoming smile and attention to detail when we lose our membership cards … He also stated, “Bush got eight years to put us in this hole, why can’t we give Obama eight years to get us out?” Good point! Marcus also told me that his older, conservative Chinese parents registered and voted for the first time in 2008. “That says a lot,” he said.

Ellen, a retired school teacher and former real estate broker who currently leads tours at the Brooklyn Museum, said “Obama wants to improve the economy for everyone, to make sure everyone has healthcare, protect the environment, improve education, keep bank regulations in place, make sure the social safety net stays protected, and protect the rights of all people, including women and gays. Romney will take care of the rich, the corporations, the oil companies, the bankers, and let everyone else go to hell. A Romney presidency would deprive us of everything that is good about America.” Spoken like a true Brooklynite! Her colleague Jim, also a retiree and a 44-year resident of Park Slope, was the first one to talk about Obama on a personal, human level, which I found interesting and touching: “His sense of humor and the obvious sense of mutual love and respect he exhibits with his family [as well as] his calm and coolness in a crisis” are some of the reason Jim likes the guy and will give him his vote. Why, yes! These are indeed qualities the leader of this great nation should have, not something to be taken for granted. Jim made another good point: “His life story, which shows the power of the American Dream — the idea that anyone, no matter his or her origins, has the potential to succeed through hard work, determination and persistence.” Now, THAT’S a role model I want for my kids. By the way, people who seem soft spoken are NOT when it comes to politics or art.

Artist: Torie Leigh
I don’t know if I’m going to vote in the upcoming election. If I do I’ll vote for Obama, but not because I think he’ll protect my rights, or the rights of others, but because he’s the lesser of two evils. Politics leave me feeling stuck between a rock and hard place because the conspiracy theories make more sense to me that what I see in mainstream media.

I do need to mention the few residents I encountered who did not feel the lOve (capital O intentional). Three people, who shall remain anonymous, are “sitting this one out”. They are a bit disillusioned with the whole democracy thing. When pressed for a reason, one Park Sloper, wrote this to me: “If people would stop to see how the candidates are both bought out by the same corporate sponsors and how misled they are by a highly unethical media, they might actually make demands on our government that are unseen in today’s system. People are co-opting into thinking that they are creating change when they go flip a lever every four years, and that’s just the way our government wants it.” He is an active member of Occupy Wall Street and is, himself, being a part of the change he wants to see by protesting and writing about these issues. I admire a man who stands by his principles and actually acts upon them.

So IT IS true! Yes, Virginia, there are NO Republicans in our neighborhood! Well there’s one, but she was raised in New Orleans and is re-registering as “Independent and will probably be voting for Obama.” But we are Park Slopers, after all, and are tolerant of other people’s beliefs, even if they are not our own. All kidding and digression aside, I did talk to a lot more people and they are ALL going to vote for Obama. I wonder if the owner of the Windsor Terrace Subaru has that bumper sticker because they lost a bet, or alternatively, if that’s what they truly believe, then maybe they really are the one percent and should support their neighbors’ businesses, nonprofits and cultural institutions.

New Kids on the Block

By Filed Under: New Wave

I’m sitting behind the register at the lovely boutique where I work on 5th Ave with the door open.  Crunchy little leaf friends blow in from the sidewalk as mommy after mommy traipses into the store effortlessly swaddled in light-weight, oversized, sweaters.  They’re drinking hot coffee and talking weekend apple-picking.  The kids are back in school, so, they’ve gotta run, they’ve gotta make it in time for pick-up.

It’s fall in the Slope, and with every change in the season comes new bars, restaurants, and stores.  Now, you’ll find at least four bars on every block, which means seasonal craft beers and hard ciders with every step.  And there’s plenty of autumnal eats on the tables of the new bistros and cafes in the area.  Also thrown into the mix of new openings in the nabe? An urgent care walk-in center, so if you cut yourself carving pumpkins — you know where to go!

The Owl Farm
297 9th Street | 718.499.4988 | theowlfarmbar.com
A harsh reality: all of the Park Slope bars that I’ve made “memories” at are closing.  First it was O’Connor’s (RIP) and I was forced to pour one out for Harry Boland’s on 5th Ave and 9th St.  It’s cool though, it’s just the circle of life (Park Slope bar life, that is).  Anyways, the “idiots behind Bar Great Harry and Mission Dolores” opened up the The Owl Farm in the space where Harry’s once stood.  If you appreciate beer (you do) then the chances are that you’ll dig the new Owl Farm; they’ve got 28 beers on tap and two casks — combine that with their slammin’ happy hour (well drinks/specified beers are 2/$5 until 7pm) and set up shop at one of their three pinball machines, and you’ll be saying “Harry who?”

67 Burger
234 Flatbush Ave | 718.399.6767 | 67burger.com
If 67 Burger were a person, their heart would be made out of burger meat.  But seeing as this new Park Slope spot on Flatbush Ave and Bergen is a burger joint, not a hamburger-human, the owners still put their heart into serving the community a substantial variety of viciously delicious burgers.  You and yours can choose from a whopping 13 different styles of burgers at 67 Burger, and while I am more than partial to the Parisian ($8.25: hello white wine sautéed onions, mushrooms, and dijonaise) your order can really go a number of ways — try the Oaxaca ($10: avocado slices, homemade chipotle mayo, cajun spices, and cheddar cheese on a chicken patty) or the Italian ($8.50: fresh basil pesto and shaved parmesan).  Wherever your order takes you, you won’t be disappointed.  Actually, you might be disappointed if you skimp on the fries; 67 Burger makes the most scrumptious seasoned curly fries I’ve ever had (and I’ve inhaled A LOT of curly fries in my time), so at $3.95 a serving, you really can’t pass those spuds up.

Woodland
242 Flatbush Ave | 718.398.7700 | woodlandnyc.com
I’ve always wanted to act like a Satyr in public.  You know, those half-man/half-goat creatures that prance within the canon of Ancient Greek mythology?  Satyrs were known to roam the woods guzzling wine, playing musical instruments — essentially just letting loose and relishing in life’s pleasantries.  Woodland incorporates the ways of the satyr in their approach at a new American grill that opened in May on Flatbush Ave.  Before you’re seated, take a moment to gawk at the interior of this bi-level Park Slope dream that features exposed brick walls, a 12-seat bar, a lounge downstairs (where the owners intend on hosting live music performances), and a spacious backyard.  The menu lists a number of meaty meals like the Lava Lake Lamb with cauliflower pencil leek gratin, Westfield goat cheese, and spearmint ($26), and the Riesling Braised Rabbit with yellow tomato bernaise and frites ($25).  Veg-heads can wine and dine at Woodlands too; take it from me, the Leaf Salad ($11) is nothing to scoff at when it incorporates intriguing ingredients like dandelion, mizuna, filberts, grilled Northfolk apricots, and rye bark in a pickled sunchoke vinaigrette. Beyond the woodsy fodder, however, is the opportunity you’ll have to imbibe like Satyr, seeing as Woodland’s drink menu is dripping with top wine picks, imported drafts, and even ciders!

Pink Berry
161 7th Ave | 718.788-0615 | pinkberry.com
Breaking news on the Slope’s frozen yogurt front! Last issue, I told you all about Culture, the new and niche fro-yo shop on 5th Avenue and 4th Street.  This time around, I’m giving you a sweet scoop (all puns intended) on not one, but TWO new frozen yogurt places in the ‘hood!  This summer ushered in the presence of Pinkberry, the self-proclaimed “leading frozen yogurt brand for franchising” that has been publicly praised by Hollywood big-wigs, on 7th Ave and Garfield Place.  Rated #1 in their field by Zagat, those who are fond of fro-yo may select between Pinkberry’s orginal flavor (best described as “classic” and “tangy”) or a handful of “seasonal flavors” like chocolate hazelnut, pomegranate, peanut butter, mango or coconut.  The real draw here is their toppings bar, though: a peak behind the cold glass that harbors all of Pinkberry’s toppings yields the magnificent sight of a rainbow of tiny treats like sliced kiwi, fruit loops, cheesecake crumbles, raspberries, and chocolate chips.  It’s also worth note that I saw Brooklyn Borough President Marty Markowitz cut the ribbon (it was pink) for PInkberry’s grand opening.

Yogurberry
77 5th Ave | 718.399.2898 | yogurberry.com
But wait, there’s more!  Another frozen yogurt place opened up this summer on 5th Ave and St. Mark’s Pl.  YogurBerry (also a chain) one-ups its neighboring competition with their self-serve frozen yogurt machines which, with just the pull of a lever, swirl out natural fruit sweetened product at 49 cents per ounce.  You can sample and then choose from their original, green tea, strawberry, peach, and raspberry flavors, and then sprinkle on the nutritionally satisfying toppings yourself (granola, almonds, fruit, cookies).  Essentially, this place successfully functions as a means in which the health-conscious can treat themselves to dessert; you can control your portions (the same goes for toppings) and can lick your spoon confidently knowing that YogurBerry’s fro-yo is 100% natural, nonfat and low calorie.

Cafe Dada
57 7th Ave | 718.622.2800
After a successful 18 years in the neighborhood, the caffeinated Park Slope institution, Ozzie’s, has closed its doors.  But all is not lost: the owner is slated to open a new location, under a different name, a few blocks away from where Ozzie’s once stood at 7th Ave and Lincoln.  Now, Cafe Dada has taken its place and they’re calling for all the creative types in the area to embrace the atmosphere of old Dadaist cafes in early 1900s Budapest and 1920s Paris, where coffee shops were the breeding grounds for artists and writers to gather and create. Patrons are encouraged to grab a cup of coffee (they brew Blue Bottle and Brooklyn Roasting beans), socialize with other customers, and exist as a member of our community.  And when you’re exhausted from exerting all your creative energy, Cafe Dada’s French-Hungarian menu will impress and then fuel you with their unique offerings; when was the last time you had Potato Pogasca ($6.50, Hungarian style potato biscuit with ham, eggs, and asparagus) or a wood board of Padliszan Spread (10.50) at a cafe in Park Slope?  As an added bonus, their art-based philosophy is put into practice at poetry readings, which they host in the cafe from time to time.

Pork Slope
247 5th Ave | 718.768.PORK | porkslopebrooklyn.com
Road houses across the states are typically situated on major highways and serve as a place for travelers to stop for a full meal and light entertainment.  In August, all of us weary travelers making our way down 5th Ave were greeted by Pork Slope, a new road house bar opened by Dale Talde and John Bush where you can grub on barbecue and sandwiches while simultaneously drinking beer and whiskey to your heart’s delight (or until you run out of cash, because Pork Slope is cash only).  But don’t judge a road house by its name — yes, Pork Slope serves pork dishes (they make a mean pulled pork sandwich at $8), but this is first and foremost a place to recharge (read: imbibe) after your grueling workday.  They offer a selection of 25 beers, three wines on tap, and place a passionate emphasis on American whiskey.  Pork Slope even has a coin-operated pool table on its premises, just don’t let the taxidermied boar’s heads and beer lamps lining the walls distract you from your shot!

Robert Henry Vintage
683 6th Ave | 718.473.0744 | roberthenryvintage.com
In 2006, Robert Henry Vintage opened a storefront on 6th Ave and 19th street.  They sold furniture, objects, dishes, and glassware that they’d personally selected from an inventory of items from the 1940s to the 1980s.  In August, the duo behind Robert Henry Vintage converted their South Slope store into a storage unit, placing vintage tea kettles for sale in the space’s window alongside none other than a prominently displayed set of…QR codes!  Their “new wave” method of sales takes “window shopping” literally: instead of interacting with a salesperson, customers walk up to the window with their smartphones to scan the QR code that represents the item they’d like to purchase.  Then, they are prompted to pay for their 1960s cocktail shaker using a credit card number, before arranging their pick up or delivery preferences. The concept behind Robert Henry Vintage’s window-store is both novelty and innovative, and speaking from experience, when I walked by the “store” it felt as if that Waterford Crystal goblet in the window’s QR code was staring back at me, screaming, “THE FUTURE IS NOW.”

Die Koelner Bierhalle
84 St Marks Pl | 347.227.7238 | thekbh.com
When I first heard that a new German “bierhalle” opened up in August on St. Marks between 4th and 5th Aves, I gave a figurative “thumbs up” to Park Slope for ushering in yet another place for me to get drinks after work.  Die Koelner Bierhalle serves authentic German Kolschs, Hefeweizens, Lagers, Pilsens, and Ales at $11-17 a liter, warm bavarian pretzels ($6), the best ‘wursts: bauenwursts, bratwursts, curry wursts, wiesswurts ($5-8), and all the other bierhalle favorites that make for a Deutschland dream.  Then, I heard that Die Koelner is hosting Oktoberfest from September 15-October 6, and you better believe that I used a whopping FIVE “thumbs up” emojis when I tweeted that I intend to participate in the most important event in the beer-guzzling world at Die Koelner.  My reason?  When you realize that most of the beers at Die Koelner are 300-500 years old, it makes pretending like you’re at the real Oktoberfest in Munich so much easier.

Greenwood Park
555 7th Ave | 718.788.7850 | greenwoodparkbk.com
I recently read a yelp review that referred to the new beer garden/bar/restaurant that opened in June in “Greenwood Heights” as “Chuck-E-Cheese in South Slope” and stated that the space is overpopulated by children.  This is because parents are not only allowed to, but are encouraged to bring their children to the family-friendly Greenwood Park on 7th Ave and 19th.  Sure, the 13,000-square-foot space is wiggling with hoards of hyper kiddies skipping and singing from table to table, but come on!  The only people getting a Chuck-E-Cheese experience here are the parents of these children who, for once, are afforded the luxury of day drinking at a bar without spending big bucks on a babysitter.  Greenwood Park opens for business at noon and serves outdoor happy hour drinks ($3 drafts/$4 well drinks) until 7pm, which sounds like prime-time for mommies to gather and gossip over Fresh Basil Vodka Lemonades while their little ones keep themselves entertained nearby.  But if you’re just not one to get tipsy in front of toddlers, head to the beer garden after 7pm, when the bar is 21+; they have 60 beers on tap, 24 of which are local, and a fairly priced bar menu with limited vegetarian/vegan options.

Premier Care
420 5th Ave | 718.965.2273 | premiercaredoc.com
Attempting to book an appointment with your primary care provider when you have the flu in New York can sometimes be a joke, a terribly unfunny joke.  Meanwhile, waiting for hours in the emergency room after you’ve sliced off your finger julienning sweet potatoes can feel like an actual nightmare. At last, we have Premier Care, a walk-in urgent care center that opened in July on 5th Ave at 7th, who will treat your little one’s persistent cold and attend to your sprained ankle shortly after you walk-in, no appointment necessary.  They are open 7 days a week (9am-9pm during the week, 9am-5pm on the weekends), and accept all major insurances.  Premier Care’s staff is friendly and boasts board certified emergency doctors, so you can utilize their full range of services with confidence.  And as a public service announcement directed at the select singles of the Slope: they provide full STD testing!  My only gripe is that Premier Care’s facade is a top-to-bottom window that reveals the center’s “waiting room”, which means there’s a real possibility that the next door neighbor you’ve been flirting with could walk by at any moment and see you sitting there, slumped over in your sick clothes, hair unkempt, with a runny nose.  HOT.

Brooklyn Crepe
169 5th Ave | 718.622.2849 | brooklyncrepe.com
File this under, quickie brunch options  — the popular Brooklyn Crepe and Juice on Flatbush has opened up a second Park Slope location on 5th Ave and Lincoln.  They’ve carried the same menu over to the new creperie/juice bar, which includes savory crepes like the Park Slope ($7.50, spinach, goat cheese, tomato), and the Bay Ridge ($9.70, smoked salmon, goat cheese, spinach, caramelized onion), or sweet crepes like the Gowanus ($7.90, seasonal fresh fruit, brie, honey).  They also allow patrons to custom order their crepes (salads and juices, too), and they can be made vegan and gluten-free, too!

If you have a new business opening in Park Slope, South Slope or Prospect Heights, let us know! office@psreader.com