How are you? I’m just okay. Why just okay? Isn’t this the holiday season? Don’t I feel the warm coziness of brotherly/sisterly love, the glow of good will toward all, the peacefulness that comes with expressing gratitude for all that I do have? Nope, I feel none of that. I hate to get all doom and gloom on you but there is a mood around my neighborhood that is downright oppressive. We are on hard times. It’s not Grapes of Wrath-pack–up-the-truck times, but the vibe has most definitely changed.
It’s palpable when I get off the subway in downtown Brooklyn and I pass the people waiting in line for food stamps verification. I’ve noticed that the line is growing a little longer every week. I’ve also noticed more people are aimlessly walking around the streets near my apartment. Not homeless people, rather people without the need to be places on time, people without places to go during the day. And it seems that the shady characters asking for money on the train now seem kind of legitimate. The guy who lost his job and needs to get enough money together to feed his family might actually be telling the truth.
If this “economic downturn” has affected you directly then you have little energy to spare. You are sweating through your savings or tumbling into debt. It’s crappy to say the least. If you are comfortable, I’m sure you see what’s going on. Keep an eye on those who don’t have what they need. Stick your neck out, but carefully. It’s getting a little scary out there. We need to look out for one another.
Wow. This column is so not funny. Here’s a joke. A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw…” Not a great joke, but not horrible, right? Believe me, a lot of time was wasted on some awful jokes sites and that was the only one that I thought wasn’t hideous and that you might not have heard. Hope I was right. So onto your letters. We had a lot to choose from this time but I can only have room for two. Hope the rest of you guys find another hypocritical free-of-charge life coach and get some help. Some of your problems were pretty hellacious (to Weird Rash in Windsor Terrace, go see Dr. Marc Avram in Brooklyn Heights. He’s amazing!).
Dear Hypocrite,
I am having a real problem with my downstairs neighbor. I’m an unemployed single mom of a son who’s four. My neighbor, a single man in his forties who works from home, complains that our noise wakes him up in the morning, keeps him awake at night, prevents him from working, makes his life impossible to live, etc. He comes up and lectures me, he slides notes under the door, he phones, he texts, he emails. He’s recently taken to pounding on the ceiling with a broom, I think. Or maybe it’s a long pole he purchased especially for that purpose. In his most recent letter, he composed a list of what he called “Helpful Hints”. Some of the suggestions were to remove shoes the minute we get in the house (we do), put down another carpet (we have), restrict my son’s playing to the bathroom (are you serious?) and try get him out of the house as soon as he wakes up (come on!). The next day I sent him a list called “More Helpful Hints” which suggested that he try to do his work at Starbucks, put earplugs in, glue noise reducing foam to his ceiling, and get a girlfriend and sleep at her house. Yeah, it’s not civil anymore. Another thing is I’m pregnant, so although the noise is going to get a little better as my son gets older, I’m bringing another noisemaker into the world. I haven’t told him this yet but I have to admit I’m looking forward seeing the look on his face when I start showing.
As you can tell, it’s a pretty bad situation. What makes it even a little worse is that I’m Israeli and I think he’s Palestinian. Maybe he’s from Lebanon. Either way, there’s some unpleasant history between our people and I can’t help but think that exacerbates the whole thing. Do you have any ideas on how to solve our problem? It can’t be expensive. Remember, I’m not working at the moment.
Signed,
Noisy Neighbor in North Slope
Noisy Neighbor,
I’m sorry, you’re pregnant? I really was on your side until you dropped that bomb. You’re a single mom, unemployed and you’re pregnant. Dude, I’m a life coach. You’re what we call in the industry a charity case. You need help. Do you have family nearby? If they are all in Israel, you should seriously consider moving back. That might just get rid of all your problems. This country is going down (see first couple paragraphs of this column). You can get out and your kids will get to know their heritage. That’s solution #1. I strongly recommend it. (And remember, overseas travel is best before your 8th month, so get a move on.)
Solution #2: Get help. Ask your landlord for some suggestions. Chances are he/she has been through this before. Look, your neighbor’s never had a child, and you’ve never been a forty-year-old bachelor who works from home. With the added issue of the history of your countries, you are in need a mediator. You might have an asshole living below you, but I’m not sure. He could be a completely sensible person who is being driven to asshole-ness due to lack of sleep and quiet during early morning and working hours. If you both set some rules and behave you might just find that you can build a somewhat beneficial relationship. Imagine in four months your Palestinian/Lebanese neighbor comes over for falafel and insists that you go out on your own to a movie while he puts your son to bed. That’s the kind of story the New York Times would love to feature in their City Room blog. And it’d be so nice to cut it out, frame it and hang it in the bathroom where your son plays, wouldn’t it?
In the meantime, while things are in this state, kill him with kindness. Tidy up the mail table by recycling all the catalogs and free papers. Vacuum the hallway. The packaged banana bread from Trader Joes is not that bad. Bake a loaf and leave it on his doorstep with a note that just says “Sorry for the noise, we’re working on it!” Have your son sign it with his cute little kid scrawl. It will stupefy your neighbor and buy you some time while your landlord gets around to calling you back. Guaranteed.
Dear Hypocrite,
I’ve been doing a lot of favors for people. I’ve been walking people’s dogs, picking up people’s children, making people food when they are sick. I’m exhausted. I know my friends appreciate what I do, I’m just feeling overwhelmed and in need of some payback. I’m all favored out. How can I let them know without hurting our friendships?
Fed Up in Flatbush
Fed Up,
There is rhythm to the giving and receiving of help and it sounds like the pendulum has swung too far in the giving direction. Although I am certain that it will swing back, it sounds like you’re in need of a ‘Me, Damnit!’ Day. Get a massage, buy yourself flowers and say no to the next person who asks for a favor. I don’t know why the rhythm is off-balance for you. Life is like that sometimes. When I broke my wrist, I went through a huge period of receiving only. After I finally got the cast off, I had some serious love in my heart for all the people that came to my aid. Chances are that someday, you too could find yourself needing lots of help—with your kids or pets, with your laundry, with healing your heart. I hope you don’t. But chances are you will. This help might not actually come from the people you’re helping now. It’s a little sloppy that way. Help is going to come from people you haven’t even met yet.
In the meantime, ask for a little help here and there just to keep the blood flowing. Can someone return your library book while you’re on vacation? Can someone lend you their expensive German lice comb? (I’m not making this up. I borrowed one last year and still haven’t given it back. It’s awse.) Can someone put the left over venison from the hunt in their freezer until the jerky-making party? (I made that one up.) If you come to the conclusion that you’re constantly doing things for others and no one ever comes to your aid even when you ask, then get a new group of friends. Join a church, mosque or temple. Or all three. Those people will seriously do anything you ask. Unless you ask them to tell you that God does not exist. They’re funny that way. They won’t even say it as a joke.
It will all even out in the end. Or if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Get ready for some wisdom: Life isn’t fair. Have you ever heard that one before? If I could give you a visual, I’d show you some pictures of kids in Somalia waiting. Waiting for what? Food. Water. Medical supplies. Basically, they are waiting for favors from people they’ll never be able to repay.
Sheesh. That took a tough turn at the end. Is it time for another joke? I think it’s time for you to tell me one. See you next time.
