Dear Hypocrite,
I have been in a book club for eight years. Together, we’ve weathered two divorces, three births, two bouts with cancer, and the death of a member’s husband in an automobile accident four years ago. Although we rarely see each other outside of book club, we enjoy one another’s company. There is one exception, however. “Laura” drives us all crazy. Laura is about six-feet tall with long dyed blond hair. She has so many regular facial treatments that her face is incapable of expression. Her contributions to the discussion of the books are inane. Last month we read a novel that took place in China. “Why would anyone chose to read about China?” she said. When we read The Goldfinch she found the book “dumb” because it was “barely even about the painting.” She loves to gossip and make fun of people who’ve been in book club over the years but for some reason or other didn’t last. “Remember that girl who lived in Prospect Heights? She didn’t have a single glass that matched. I had to drink out of a JAR!” I’ve shared my feelings regarding her with the others and when she’s not there, we’ll often laugh over the ridiculous things she’s said. When she is there, we’ll sneak eye-rolls during her comments. Because she was a founding member, (six out of eleven of us are) we haven’t thought was right to kick her out. She’s our problem child.
Last Sunday, Marci, the de facto chairwoman of book club, sent an email around to the group (minus Laura) asking about the possibility of having our next meeting at Laura’s new house in the Hamptons. Laura recently married a man (her fourth husband) with a massive fortune. He was going to be out of the country on Laura’s birthday weekend so she invited us all to join her there to talk about Brideshead Revisited. The setting couldn’t be more perfect with its indoor pool and SEVEN bedrooms. The group was thrilled at the idea. Menu ideas and drink themes for the weekend were debated, even period dress was floated for the book discussion itself. Someone proposed taking a cake up for Laura’s birthday. I responded with “But with that face, how will we know if she is really surprised?”
You guessed it, at some point Laura had been added to the chain. The way my phone displays emails I sometimes miss one if they come fast and furiously. This is no excuse for my carelessness, it’s just to let you know I’m not a total idiot. If there were any more emails about the weekend, I didn’t get them. I felt awful. While I don’t consider Laura a friend, I would never intentionally hurt her. I quickly wrote her a private apology begging for forgiveness.
The next morning I received an email from Laura telling me I was no longer welcome at book club. The group was CCed. She felt betrayed that I had used a public forum to make fun of her and that she would feel uncomfortable remaining in the group if I was still present. I immediately wrote a group email apologizing for my remarks calling them rude and callous. I was deeply sorry for the hurt I’d caused her and the damage I’d done to the group’s sense of trust. I asked to be forgiven and to be allowed to stay in book club. “Book club means the world to me,” I wrote, “I can’t imagine my life without it.” This time Laura wrote a single sentence back to me alone. “You should of thought of that before you shot your mouth off.”
I’m really upset. I know what I did was completely wrong and hurtful but I don’t think I deserve to be kicked out. The other members say their hands are tied. They’ve spoken to Laura on my behalf but she is not budging. She wants me out. I know this is going to sound ridiculous but I have a MFA in creative writing. I suspect Laura doesn’t even read the books. This expulsion seems totally unfair. What can I do?
Wrongly Banished from Book Club
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Dear Banished,
Whoa. You did a really stupid thing. I would’ve thought everyone had learned by now that email is not the place for gossip, insulting people, or sarcasm. The only humor that completely translates is of the “knock, knock” variety. And you slammed someone in a ‘reply all?’ Girl, were you born yesterday?
We all gossip and talk shit about each other. We can only hope that our friends and family talk about our own shortcomings with love. Your slip up is not uncommon and neither is your reaction. We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and we certainly don’t want to deal with any consequences. Laura served you a heaping plate of repercussions that you are now refusing to accept. She holds all the power in this situation as she’s the only one that can let you back in the group. Isn’t it nice when things are so clear?
When I was in my twenties, I walked into the kitchen where my roommates were talking about me. They were discussing how little I drank or smoked or lost control around them. In short, they said (in not the nicest language) that I was uptight and a drag and needed to relax. To give you a little context, one of my roommates had spent some time living in a car with her family growing up and had a steady stream of irate answering machine messages from people whom she had stood up on dates or meetings. Her common excuse was “I wasn’t in the mood.” The other roommate had disowned her parents (I sensed it was mutual although she never admitted this) and regularly spoke in tongues. I was the goody-goody of the group but was losing my sense of self and reality quickly. It took me overhearing them cruelly talk about me to realize that they were not my people, not my tribe. We had completely different values. I’m not saying we all can’t get along. We can. But when there is disdain between tribes, it’s best to limit contact. There’s no doubt Laura is aware that you don’t respect her. All this time you’ve been bothered by her comments and attitude, she’s felt your disdain. Granted, she doesn’t sound undeserving of your criticism (I do so enjoy a good book about China) but you can’t blame her if she’s relieved to be rid of you. Here’s the sad news for you: There’s absolutely no incentive for her to let you back in.
As I see it, you have two choices. You can start another book club. I’m sure you can put together a new crew of readers who are more capable of meeting your desired level of engagement with the material. Starting a group means you can hand pick members from different areas of your life and have a say over how meetings are organized. To me, I see this as a great opportunity. Imagine the fun of picking of people based on their diversity and intellect. I’m getting excited just thinking about it. If I didn’t have such horrible experiences with book clubs in the past I might think of asking to join yours. There’s no denying you’ll miss the history and the connections of your old book group. You can still stay in touch with the people you enjoyed the most. Maybe you can even find out what they’re reading and read it in your new group.
If the idea of starting a new group leaves you exhausted or sad, your only other option is to continue to grovel at the feet of the six-foot tall blonde. Construct a very heartfelt and personal apology detailing how wrong you were and why you think you did what you did. Tell her you’re available to talk and would like to do it over a fancy lunch on your dime. It’s her prerogative to say no and hold onto this slight forever. She could surprise you and forgive but I don’t have high hopes. You insulted her appearance. Publicly. From the sound of it, her looks are very, very important to her. You went right for her jugular. Big time.
Banished, cut your losses. That’s my advice. Start your own group and create new history with them. I’ll be oh-so-happily surprised if you write to tell me Laura’s let you back in and you’re all reading Snow Flower and The Secret Fan. I don’t think it’ll happen though. You learned a lesson. No talk bad about people in email. If Confucius were alive today, he’d tell you the same thing.
See you next time. ◆
